Cream Tea at The Vyne NT, Hampshire

If Northamptonshire is the Rose of the Shires then there's little doubt that Hampshire is the Clematis. Name anything quintessentially English and you'll find that Hampshire is somewhere in the mix:

• British Military prowess necessary for the defeating of johnny foreigners in the form of major Naval and Army bases (but please don't mention the other lot on this blog)
• Literature - Austen and Dickens
• Comedy - Benny Hill and Peter Sellers (though please don't mention Keith Harris and Orville)
• Windbag Politicians - Jim Callaghan
• Cricket - the county of C B Fry and John Arlott, not to mention Robin Smith and Dominic Cork

To this list should be added its contribution to the world of Cream Tea, for this was a 10-wickets-in-a-match-winning effort here at The Vyne.

Location 10/10

Photo says it all really - and you're not supposed to complain about the indolence of the head mower because leaving the grass to grow is intended to protect that habitat of Vegetarians - not exactly an endangered species, though it would be if I had my way.

The Scones 18.5/20

This is a serious proposition - good old fashioned Hampshire hospitality - and aren't those scones intriguing, the way the furthest one away leans to the right, the one nearest us to the left?  Brilliant.  And then - what on earth is that sticking out of the nearest scone?  Let's have a closer look shall we?

Yes!  It's a raisin! Extraordinary! But look, there's one popping out of the other side, and the pastry chef has managed to evoke a coastal landslip in the foreground.  Beyond belief.  You could spend nine thousand years as an apprentice in Heston Blumenthal's kitchen and not be taught this.  Special.

Jam 7/10
Red, Strawberry, but when you've got two of the best scones this side of Ursa Major to enjoy it's not going to go far enough is it?  Bit of effort required here to up the score.

The Cream 8/10

This is an improvement on the self contained pre-packed jobbies, but for someone who likes to feel his arteries tightening when tucking in, this isn't going to justice to a brace of Basingstoke beauties is it?

The Tea 10/10
Did you see the size of the pot in an earlier photo?

Service and Miscellaneous 9/10
Very little to grumble about here.

Value for money 18/20
Came in at forty pence more than a lone survivour. Always a tricky scenario for a tightfisted imbecile like myself to judge but two great scones and enough tea for a Buckingham Palace Garden Party.

Prejudice Corner 5/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't, a pleasant relief. 1 point.

2) Was there a bust of Cromwell on view?  I do hope not.
I'm afraid there was, and there's never any excuse for this.  No points here.

3) You mentioned the grievous sin of vegetarianism earlier.  Are they made to feel particularly welcome in the Tea Rooms?
Certainly not.  There were sausages and flesh aplenty on the hot plate.  1 point.

4) Were there any 'with-it' sentiments in evidence in this establishment concerning the supposed evils of GM foods?
I didn't see any petition signing going on against that specific and most welcome development but I did see this....

Ethical Firewood??  And it's four nicker a bag.  You can't get away with nonsense like this.  No points here I'm afraid.

5)  Was there any inadvertent innuendo on offer?
Yes there was - have a look at this

Positively filthy!  Wonderful.  One point scored.

6) You must have been there near the Jubilee Celebration weekend. Was the occasion marked in some way?
Yes it was, but not in the way a loyal citizen would wish.

This......

.... I presume is meant to be our Sovereign Lady, and it doesn't amuse us.

And by the same token I presume this.....

...is meant to be a representation of the Duke of Edinburgh.  Now I don't wish to appear humourless but we can't ever condone this sort of treasonous handy-work so no points awarded on this one.

7)  If you were on trial for murder could you have entered a plea of mitigating circumstances on the grounds that you'd been upset by the contents of the National Trust Shop in the Vyne and felt you had to murder someone?
You could.  Why are National Trust shops so awful?  And why do they stink of cheap potpourri?  No points here.

8)  Do they cultivate fowl for the table?
They do.  They rear chickens in the walled garden and on the water feature in front of the house....

...they're actively rearing swans.  I love roast swan.  1 point scored

9) Your last review referred to the lamentable state of affairs that has come to pass in that the National Trust now seems to be encouraging marriage between our young people.  Please tell me this wasn't the case here.

I'm afraid this picture says it all....

No points for leading astray the younger generation.

10)  Could you take your Great Aunt Myrtle along safe in the knowledge that she would both be amused and not offended?
As long as you telephoned in advance so that the bust of Cromwell could be covered or hidden indeed you could.  1 point.

Total and Summary 85.5/100

That's a seriously good score.  Somewhat disadvantaged by a rather poor showing in Prejudice Corner which, it should be pointed out, has very little to do with the quality of the cream tea. A seriously corking visit. Top Cream Tea.  Great House.  Brilliant.

"And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, 
but the goats on the left."

The Gospel according to Saint Matthew 25:33