Brill Parish Church Cream Tea

I'm aware that one of the major failings of this completely worthless blog is the fact that it's paid far too much attention to National Trust Cream Teas.  For this I apologise (in part).  Anyway - by way of redress here's a record of my recent visit to the Parish Church of All Saints, Brill. 

Brill is one of those villages which makes you suspect that God was, is, and always will be, an Englishman.  Perched on a wonderful Buckinghamshire hilltop, it's far enough away from cities and towns such as Oxford, Aylesbury and Thame to make it feel somehow proper and rural, but not too far from a Waitrose that it feels uncivilised. It's truly brilliant.

What a sight.  The sign on the railings says it all.  Perfectly legible without being garish, and minimum information.  What, when, where. No superfluous details about vegetarians being welcome or where to tie your horse or anything.  Straight to the point.  It's round about this moment that you realise you're in for one serious cream tea treat.
Devotees of a decent cream tea will know that a fine scone with all the appropriate trimmings is something akin to a religious experience. And so it makes perfect sense that the optimum cream tea should be served in an ancient Parish building of the Church of England.

Location 10/10

(The Lady in the foreground is obviously petrified that she's got there a bit too late and is therefore hurrying her young companion along.)I'm confident that I've described the location in enough detail to convince you that full marks are the order of the day here.

The Scone 19/20

Take a look at that scone! Infinitesimally short of perfection.  Those two raisins are like two puppydog eyes gazing entreatingly at the consumer to put it out of its misery.  Freshly baked, perfectly milk-washed, exactly the right size.
Before going on to consider the rest of the scores it is surely worth pausing to take in the extraordinarily fine view that this photograph presents.  Where to start?  The wonderful tablecloth?  The bowl of sugar cubes? Those very fine knives? The bone china cup and saucer on the right with the exquisite pink rose design?  Who knows? Truly breathtaking.

The Cream 9/10
Great to get the cream served in proper dishes rather than the cheap foil topped plastic jobbies that one receives in so many places these days - not in the Church of England, however. Fantastic.  Clotted, generous, flirtatious.  Just the ticket.

The Jam 8.5/10
So nice not to be subjected to another horrid little jam jar containing insufficient condiment for the job at hand. It contained real strawberries and wasn't too sweet.  It was possibly a little bit too red for my taste.

The Tea 10/10
The Church of England rarely scores less than full marks - this place is not the exception that proves the rule.  Look at the size of the teapot for heavens' sake.

Service and miscellaneous. 10/10
Absolutely right on the money.  The ladies of the parish were right over it like a rash on a hot baby's bottom - but without being too fussy or over the top.  There was attention to detail (see remarks on the tablecloth above),  they doted on Master Countrycreamtea junior (aged 20 months) and got all the toys out and everything, and they served a damn good cream tea.

Value for money 20/20
It wasn't a double-sconed variety but this could all be paid for with shrapnel.

Prejudice corner 9/10

1) Is the local MP a liberal democrat?
Here we go again.  No he isn't so one point scored but he does make me come out in a rash sometimes. See this video to see why he gets my goat. Anyway - let's move on.

2) Is the Rector's middle name Dorita?
It is indeed - as I've said,  nothing inappropriate about this joint whatsoever. One point.

3) What about non-conformity?  Any horrid little dens of schism anywhere in the vicinity to give you a nasty bout of indigestion?

This looks suspiciously like a chapel - looking out over the same green as the church.  Oh dear!  A closer look at the above, however, reveals that it has been gloriously converted into an habitation.  Phew- what a relief.  Good job they've done too.  Garage action, nice porch, and I'm sure the glorious pink would annoy 18th-century heretics everywhere.  One point scored.  Readers should note, however, that elsewhere in the village there is a functioning chapel.  I would recommend that readers find it on Google maps, make adjustments to their satnavs so that they might avoid it on driving through the village.  1 point scored.

4)  Back to the church.  What about Book of Common Prayer services, and awful things like bibles in pews?
No problems here.  No bibles in the pews (that really does make me come out in spots), sufficient BCP services, and  proper hymn books (i.e. not ones with with the words "songs" or "praise" in the title).  A few nods towards being modern to keep a Bishop at bay, but nothing to frighten the horses. 1 point scored.

5) That doesn't sound too bad.  Please tell me they weren't playing piped music.
Oh dear - no points here.  There really is no excuse for piped music.  Never.  Even if it is the slow movement of the Emperor Concerto but for that to then segue into part of Faure's Requiem really is too much for any Anglican of quality.  To suffer the music of country in which Jansenists, Jesuits, and Dantonists flourished is beyond the pale. No points here.

6) What about vegeterians?
Students of scripture will know that the error of vegetarianism is contrary to the Holy Book so you're hardly likely to find it encouraged in such a bastion of rectitude as this Parish church. 1 point

7) Any signs about GM, organic, or similar abominations.
Not that I saw.  1 point

8) Was there a sign saying that while smoking has never been allowed within churches it is perfectly permissible to partake of snuff until the end of the Collect during the Holy Communion?
Now you're just being silly.  1 point

9) What about the dreaded C word - coffee?
I think it was available but I it was a bit like asking for condoms at a chemist - highly embarrassing for all concerned.  As it should be.  1 point.

10) Would an ordinary person describe this as a trendy experience?
Certainly not.  And long may it last.  The faith and the cream tea tradition flourishes in Brill, and may God save the Queen.  1 point.



Total  95.5/100
I suspect this may be the highest mark to date - richly deserved.  This experience oozed quality.   For some Anglicans it's going to Iona,  for others it may be eating rich tea biscuits,  for others a day retreat during which one talks about feelings, but for those of an orthodox disposition you'll get your fix up on the hill for a few bob. Fan-creamtea-tastic.