Cream Tea at Claydon House, NT, Buckinghamshire, or a Bastille Weekend Special Report on the evils of Republicanism

In this, the most filthy Summer imaginable, it is sometimes a struggle to find reasons as to why one shouldn't emigrate to warmer parts of God's creation.   A visit to Claydon House, however, is reason enough.  I'm lucky enough to live not a million miles from this excellent location. To visit it on Bastille Weekend is to be reminded of many things: e.g. the wondrousness of Blighty come rain or come shine, and the wickedness of Republicanism.  I might even go far as to say that I know of no Thesaurus that can help me to convey to you how absolutely brilliant is Claydon House.

Nowadays, tourist attractions seem to live by one overriding rule, i.e. how can we get each family to part with about 50 quid.  Not here.  This relatively modest house is jam packed full of intriguing art and bits and bobs which go some way to telling the story of a remarkable family. The Verney family may not be the most famous English family but it is fantastically well documented: many of them were fanatical letter writers.   This is a family history that has it all; tragedy, treachery, bravery, politics, love, war, peace, culture, music, taste, dying for one's divinely anointed monarch, a hatful of brilliant women, a jolly decent library and, most importantly of all, a darn good cream tea.

That's hardly an exiguous offering is it?

Review and rating.

Location 9.5/10

Rarely gets much better does it?  Glorious surroundings but nice and relaxed; no prohibition on walking on the grass, cars parked higgledypiggledy next to the main house. Just right.

The Scones 16.5/20

As you've seen above these are absolute beauties.   Let's have a closer look at each in turn.

This one in the centre is a mouthwatering prospect.  You've got it all here. Note that there isn't a right angle to be seen anywhere.  That's class.  So from the top. Note the way in which the top crust overhangs the soft centre as if it's offering added protection to the succulent dough within it from the foul elements of this Summer weather - genius .  Then on the left the slightly crispier edge.  Then a firm but certainly not overcooked bottom crust.  They obviously cook these on the perfect baking trays at the perfect temperature.

What about the other scone?

A patissiere who can make a scone where the top of it is at an 84 degree angle from horizontal is nothing short of a miracle-worker.  Breathtaking!  Where, and at which trajectory does one insert the knife? The scone has moved sideways, as if by magic, during the cooking process.  Words fail me.   The only drawback is that they weren't served on the day they were cooked hence the par score rather than the 18.5 or more these scones deserve.  Note to all cafes: putting them in the microwave for a few seconds may make them warm and nicer than cold, but it doesn't fool me!

The Jam 7.5/10
Towards the middle of July there's little excuse for not sourcing some good fruit and making some decent jam.

The Cream 9.5/10

Take a look at this

That's the cream for one pair of scones!  Heavens above.  Not quite the right colour - pale lucozade is what we're after - but what a generous serving.  I struggled to finish it.  Brilliant hospitality!

The Tea 9.5/10
Teapot not quite big enough, and not heated.

Service and miscellaneous
10/10
No fannying around, no fuss, get on with it and get the scoff to the table.

Value for money 19/20
Tricky one this.  £5.75 is 75p more than the benchmark of a blue long distance lorry driver. But it was good and it did have two scones.

Prejudice corner 8/10

1) Is the local MP a liberal democrat?
1 point scored. No she isn't.  Not that she deserves a point, but the rules are the rules. It breaks me to think of what the Verneys of yesteryear would make of the current speaker of the HoC.

2) I noticed that, in the first photograph, there's a church next door to the house.  How marvellous.  Was it both CofE and open?
1 point scored.

The Parish Church of All Saints, Middle Claydon.

Fully open to visitors when I came along.

3) How refreshing to find it open. I bet it wasn't really CofE?
It most certainly was (1 point).  Most of the services from The Book of Common Prayer.  Mr Countrycreamtea doesn't really do modern.

4) A promising start.  You've spoken of the evils of Republicanism as taught by this venerable house.  What's the proof?

Well, how about this (1 point).

A nicely understated and modest memorial to Sir Edmund Verney who died for his monarch; slaughtered at the hands of naughty and wicked men.

5) Impressive indeed.  This church does sound rather fine.  What about flowers on the altar?

You've found a weak spot on this one.  This is what I found.

Oh God! There's no excuse whatsoever for this.  Plus the dead leaves on the south end.....  Please no!
No points here.

6) Back to the cafe.  What about Coffee?
When I entered I got the distinct sense that Coffee was not flavour of the month.  But then the following conversation took place.
Me: May I have two cream teas please?
Nice assistant who'd washed her hair and applied deodorant: Yes certainly sir.  And would you like tea or coffee with those?

Why oh why oh why?  I didn't ask for a disquisition on the second law of thermodynamics.  I asked for a cream TEA.  No points.

7) Was smoking discouraged?
Not that I could tell. 1 point scored.

No signs on view here. Light up.

8) What about the shop - I bet it was awful.

This is one of the best things about Claydon House....

... This signpost says it all, directions to the Gardens (brilliant they are too), the House itself, the courtyard, and the dunny.  What about the shop?  Dear reader, the genius of this place is that there is no shop.  Ok, so the ticket booth sells a few postcards, pencil sharpeners, and reproductions of 18th-century tracts about the evils of Oliver Cromwell and Republicanism. But there's no awful pot-pourri stinking, lavender-room-spray-infected shop selling overpriced rubbish.  Heaven!  Of course, no doubt the National Trust is busy on the case, and one day it'll trumpet it's newly opened fabulous state of the art shop that is a 'don't miss'.  But for the time being, no shop.  1 point.

9) What about the clientele? I bet it was pululating with vast hordes of lice and busloads of Daily Express readers.
Not at all. The car park is a field, and I can't imagine a bus ever getting anywhere close.  In our two hours there I can't imagine we saw any more than about 8 people.  Just as we like it.  1 point.

10) Could you take your great uncle Cyril with enormous confidence that he wouldn't go into cardiac arrest?
Without a shadow of a doubt. 1 point.

Final score 89.5/100

Agonisingly close to the 90 point club. In fact it couldn't be closer. But it should be stressed that it was a marvellous visit and Claydon House is truly excellent.  Do go there; and soon.

And on a serious note......

I was touched by Sir Ralph Verney's gravestone.  Many many moons ago I had reason to write to enquire about a few of his ancestors to which he wrote me the most generous reply (he could so easily and reasonably have fobbed me off).  My guess, which I'm almost certain is spot on the money, is that this gravestone says an awful lot about him: there's no mention of his title or status, the stone is plain, and the depiction of the tree (he was apparently mad about trees) is tastefully laced with a quote from the book of Micah.

May he rest in peace.

Cream Tea at Basildon Park, NT, Berkshire

What a glorious place! The association of Basildon (a different Basildon entirely) with elections is forever banished from my mind now that I've visited this excellent country pile in the heart of Berkshire.  Glorious afternoon, glorious cream tea.

Berkshire is one of those in-between counties.  Somerset and Oxfordshire, for example, are well known; full of great places which are known and loved by zillions.  At the other end of the spectrum one might mention, for example, Buckinghamshire; not particularly dear to the heart of the average Brit.  Berkshire, on the other hand, is a sort of middling place: there isn't a cheese named after it, there aren't any cities in it. However, however. Don't ever forget that it is the Royal County of Berkshire!  But why is it that that niggling persists? One might say "Don't forget Windsor" to which the obvious retort is "don't forget Slough"; one might take a punt on "what about Eton or Ascot?", to which the answer is "what about Reading".  Berkshire: always a tricky one.

Well don't let that put you off coming to Basildon Park.  In the world of the Cream Tea there are superstars, high-flyers even, but each team of superstars needs somewhere in its midst a solid workhorse who just does the business quietly and reliably. No bells and whistles, just solid cream tea hospitality done with understated confidence and style.  Basildon Park does it.  It's like a Bryan Robson or Peter Reid,  working away tirelessly in midfield grafting away so that hungry punters depart this top corner of England satisfied and sated.   Basildon Park may not be Blenheim or Buckingham Palace, but it's a belter!

Review and Rating

Location 10/10
"Hang on a mo! You just said that it isn't Blenheim, how can you give full marks for location?"

What I said was that the whole package isn't like Blenheim or Buckingham Palaces.  What makes this a full marks affair is that the Tea Room is IN the house.  You're not fobbed off with a prefab at the corner of the Car Park, or a hideous modern building all glass and wood designed by a demented Scandinavian.  No, this is duck-egg blue Paladian hospitality right in the middle of the pad.  Glorious.  I wish the rules allowed me to give bonus points....

The Scones 16/20
Take a look at these Berkshire Beauties

Isn't that a sight for sore eyes?  The one on the top looks as if it was deposited there by a post-ice-age wave of pastryesque munificence.  And check the one underneath: when I see hairline fractures on the crown of a scone I get all excited.  Brilliant.  Worth a closer look I think.

What vision on the part of the patissiere? The modern condition is found here on a plate.  The upper half is the conformist half, the pastry cutter's mark on view; but then the lower half, all bulging with its own ideas.

What of the other scone?

What confidence.  No egg or milkwash?! But look how smooth it is, like a baby's bottom.

Serious scone, genius at work.  If only they'd been baked on the day they were served they'd be 19 plus pointers.  Alas not the case.

The Jam 7.5/10
Red, sweet, seeds showing a fruity origin.  But it's the little things that turn 80 point cream teas into 90 pointers.  Let's up the game a bit Berkshire!

The cream 8/10
Clotted and good

The Tea 10/10
The pot ain't huge, and there's no thingy of hot water, but the staff put two teabags in that tea pot.  That's generosity.  The commercial pressure in our depressed times to fob people off with one teabag must be considerable.  Not here!  Quality. Good strong hearty British Tea.

Service and Miscellaneous
9/10
Pretty much right on the money. All beavering away, busy, but apparently happy.

Value for money
19.5/20
1 scone, 1 jam, 1 cream, 1 tea; £3.50.  Absolutely corking!  £3.50!? Never had such good value since my impoverished student days when I discovered that my local corner shop had got its Barolo and Bardolino mixed up!

Prejudice Corner 7/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't. Praise be. Managed months since we last came across one of those - excellent.  They'll be even rarer come the next election with a bit of luck. 1 point.

2) You paint a rosy picture of this place.  Surely it can't be that brilliant.  I bet it was crawling with visitors.
The answers here - Yes, Yes it most certainly is, No it wasn't.  That last point is a crucial one for a misery guts like me.  1 point scored.

3) Did the place stink of vegetarian food?
If it did I wouldn't have crossed the threshold.  1 point.

4) What about coffee?  I bet they were plugging coffee?
Tricky one this.  No they weren't but I did have this rather upsetting conversation at the counter.
ME: "May I have two cream teas please?"
Nice Staff Member who'd washed his hair that morning, very polite, smiling etc:
"Certainly Sir, and what would you like to drink with your cream teas?"

Gobsmacked.  My first thought was that he must be taking the hit and miss - but he wasn't.  I then thought I might ask for a magnum of Palmer '61 but feared that might come across as somewhat obtuse or even snobby.  So I looked down in a British sort of way and said politely "Ahem, Tea please".   Am I missing something here? Surely the clue's in the name. There's a hint here that people are being lead astray from Tea to indulge in filth such as coffee or milkshakes and the like.  A worrying development.

5) OK. What about the Right-on factor. I bet they sell their scones with the description "ethical scones" or "seasoned with organic, GM free salt", or some such rubbish?
Not that I could see.  After saying that, Countrycreamteajunior was being particularly full-powered-liquidizer-without-a-lid-on so I had to move fast and stay low but I didn't see anything to suggest that I'd just walked in to a Green Party Convention.  1 point.

6) Ok.  How about the shop.  Bet it was naff as naff can be.
These NT shops do make me come out in spots.  This one didn't seem to be so bad somehow,  didn't stink of Lavender, so I was minded to give it half a point on this one but then I saw this outside.....

... which I'm afraid puts it beyond the bounds of decency.  No points.

7a) Was there a huge fleet of those superannuated golf buggies with ghastly cheap imitation white leather seats?
Yes there was but that isn't a crime.

7b) OK.  But at the embarkation point was there a sign saying.  "This motorised vehicle is provided for benefit of the elderly, the infirm, and the woman who is with child;  the fat and the indolent should walk".
No there wasn't, and there should be. Fair point. Or rather no points on this one.

8) Were there many fat people?
No thank goodness.  Everything on the planet seems to have been abolished or made illegal by these last two governments except being fat.  1 point scored.

9) What about the rest of the clientelle?  Any Independent readers in evidence?
Good heavens above no - they go to Costa Coffee and awful places like that.  1 point.

10) Could you have taken Granny?
Absolutely.  1 point.

Total 87/100

Awesome score, awesome cream tea.  Can't help feeling that this should be a place scoring 90 plus points.  They are so close to it - I'm sure they'll rise to the occasion soon: start throwing out scones at the end of the day; get some good home made jam in?  What is definite, however, is that I'll be going back there soon.  How could anyone resist this.....

.... I don't think I can.

A seriously excellent place.  When the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket Basildon Park restores one's faith in humanity.