Cream Tea at Basildon Park, NT, Berkshire

What a glorious place! The association of Basildon (a different Basildon entirely) with elections is forever banished from my mind now that I've visited this excellent country pile in the heart of Berkshire.  Glorious afternoon, glorious cream tea.

Berkshire is one of those in-between counties.  Somerset and Oxfordshire, for example, are well known; full of great places which are known and loved by zillions.  At the other end of the spectrum one might mention, for example, Buckinghamshire; not particularly dear to the heart of the average Brit.  Berkshire, on the other hand, is a sort of middling place: there isn't a cheese named after it, there aren't any cities in it. However, however. Don't ever forget that it is the Royal County of Berkshire!  But why is it that that niggling persists? One might say "Don't forget Windsor" to which the obvious retort is "don't forget Slough"; one might take a punt on "what about Eton or Ascot?", to which the answer is "what about Reading".  Berkshire: always a tricky one.

Well don't let that put you off coming to Basildon Park.  In the world of the Cream Tea there are superstars, high-flyers even, but each team of superstars needs somewhere in its midst a solid workhorse who just does the business quietly and reliably. No bells and whistles, just solid cream tea hospitality done with understated confidence and style.  Basildon Park does it.  It's like a Bryan Robson or Peter Reid,  working away tirelessly in midfield grafting away so that hungry punters depart this top corner of England satisfied and sated.   Basildon Park may not be Blenheim or Buckingham Palace, but it's a belter!

Review and Rating

Location 10/10
"Hang on a mo! You just said that it isn't Blenheim, how can you give full marks for location?"

What I said was that the whole package isn't like Blenheim or Buckingham Palaces.  What makes this a full marks affair is that the Tea Room is IN the house.  You're not fobbed off with a prefab at the corner of the Car Park, or a hideous modern building all glass and wood designed by a demented Scandinavian.  No, this is duck-egg blue Paladian hospitality right in the middle of the pad.  Glorious.  I wish the rules allowed me to give bonus points....

The Scones 16/20
Take a look at these Berkshire Beauties

Isn't that a sight for sore eyes?  The one on the top looks as if it was deposited there by a post-ice-age wave of pastryesque munificence.  And check the one underneath: when I see hairline fractures on the crown of a scone I get all excited.  Brilliant.  Worth a closer look I think.

What vision on the part of the patissiere? The modern condition is found here on a plate.  The upper half is the conformist half, the pastry cutter's mark on view; but then the lower half, all bulging with its own ideas.

What of the other scone?

What confidence.  No egg or milkwash?! But look how smooth it is, like a baby's bottom.

Serious scone, genius at work.  If only they'd been baked on the day they were served they'd be 19 plus pointers.  Alas not the case.

The Jam 7.5/10
Red, sweet, seeds showing a fruity origin.  But it's the little things that turn 80 point cream teas into 90 pointers.  Let's up the game a bit Berkshire!

The cream 8/10
Clotted and good

The Tea 10/10
The pot ain't huge, and there's no thingy of hot water, but the staff put two teabags in that tea pot.  That's generosity.  The commercial pressure in our depressed times to fob people off with one teabag must be considerable.  Not here!  Quality. Good strong hearty British Tea.

Service and Miscellaneous
9/10
Pretty much right on the money. All beavering away, busy, but apparently happy.

Value for money
19.5/20
1 scone, 1 jam, 1 cream, 1 tea; £3.50.  Absolutely corking!  £3.50!? Never had such good value since my impoverished student days when I discovered that my local corner shop had got its Barolo and Bardolino mixed up!

Prejudice Corner 7/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't. Praise be. Managed months since we last came across one of those - excellent.  They'll be even rarer come the next election with a bit of luck. 1 point.

2) You paint a rosy picture of this place.  Surely it can't be that brilliant.  I bet it was crawling with visitors.
The answers here - Yes, Yes it most certainly is, No it wasn't.  That last point is a crucial one for a misery guts like me.  1 point scored.

3) Did the place stink of vegetarian food?
If it did I wouldn't have crossed the threshold.  1 point.

4) What about coffee?  I bet they were plugging coffee?
Tricky one this.  No they weren't but I did have this rather upsetting conversation at the counter.
ME: "May I have two cream teas please?"
Nice Staff Member who'd washed his hair that morning, very polite, smiling etc:
"Certainly Sir, and what would you like to drink with your cream teas?"

Gobsmacked.  My first thought was that he must be taking the hit and miss - but he wasn't.  I then thought I might ask for a magnum of Palmer '61 but feared that might come across as somewhat obtuse or even snobby.  So I looked down in a British sort of way and said politely "Ahem, Tea please".   Am I missing something here? Surely the clue's in the name. There's a hint here that people are being lead astray from Tea to indulge in filth such as coffee or milkshakes and the like.  A worrying development.

5) OK. What about the Right-on factor. I bet they sell their scones with the description "ethical scones" or "seasoned with organic, GM free salt", or some such rubbish?
Not that I could see.  After saying that, Countrycreamteajunior was being particularly full-powered-liquidizer-without-a-lid-on so I had to move fast and stay low but I didn't see anything to suggest that I'd just walked in to a Green Party Convention.  1 point.

6) Ok.  How about the shop.  Bet it was naff as naff can be.
These NT shops do make me come out in spots.  This one didn't seem to be so bad somehow,  didn't stink of Lavender, so I was minded to give it half a point on this one but then I saw this outside.....

... which I'm afraid puts it beyond the bounds of decency.  No points.

7a) Was there a huge fleet of those superannuated golf buggies with ghastly cheap imitation white leather seats?
Yes there was but that isn't a crime.

7b) OK.  But at the embarkation point was there a sign saying.  "This motorised vehicle is provided for benefit of the elderly, the infirm, and the woman who is with child;  the fat and the indolent should walk".
No there wasn't, and there should be. Fair point. Or rather no points on this one.

8) Were there many fat people?
No thank goodness.  Everything on the planet seems to have been abolished or made illegal by these last two governments except being fat.  1 point scored.

9) What about the rest of the clientelle?  Any Independent readers in evidence?
Good heavens above no - they go to Costa Coffee and awful places like that.  1 point.

10) Could you have taken Granny?
Absolutely.  1 point.

Total 87/100

Awesome score, awesome cream tea.  Can't help feeling that this should be a place scoring 90 plus points.  They are so close to it - I'm sure they'll rise to the occasion soon: start throwing out scones at the end of the day; get some good home made jam in?  What is definite, however, is that I'll be going back there soon.  How could anyone resist this.....

.... I don't think I can.

A seriously excellent place.  When the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket Basildon Park restores one's faith in humanity.