Cream Tea at Hardwick Hall NT, Derbyshire

Hardwick Hall is Guiness Premiership material. Fantastic.  I was on my way to the North East earlier this week and, having left in good time, I had a spare hour so darted off the M1 in the hope of some top notch cream tea action on the edge of Derbyshire.  I was wad up for it like a hungry dog for a bone, and I wasn't disappointed. This place had me barking all the way to Bolsover.

Mind you, we had our wobbly moments.  I didn't think much of my first glimpse of the Hall....

.. an Ayrton Senna to visit this burnt out shell I thought was a bit steep, but this photo is of the old hall.  The real deal is, however, still fully intact and a first rate place.

That's not a bad pad for somewhere built before the Mary Rose had sunk in the Solent is it?  This place has it all:  first rate herbaceous borders, top house, tapestries that would make the most ferocious 16th-century stitch-witch go weak at the knees, an astonishing collection of Tudor portraiture and last, but by no means least, the Great Barn Restaurant.

Awesome.  Let's take a moment to savour this architectural family-bucket-feast-super-deal that you just know is going to deliver a brilliant cream tea.

Genius

Mr Countrycreamtea is always looking for added value.  Here we get in by the bucket load.  Above the front door the architect of the cafe gives you three bits of extra value to add to the cream tea experience.
1) A weather vane to tell you which way is NSW or E. Brilliant.  So a Muslim customer would know which way to face to say his prayers. Religiously sensitive - I like it.
2) Said weather vane tells you from which direction the wind is coming so that you can sit up wind from the hideous stench of coffee or down wind from the wonderful tobacco smokers. Inspired.
3) They've also put a clock there so that you can tell the time.
Words fail me.

Let's go inside and see what's in store.

A great cacophony of styles and features.  The way the green chair on the right melts seamlessly into the beamed roof and the way in which the glass panels remind one of the vast areas of window of the main house provokes nothing but silent awe.

And being, as it is, one of the most prestigious places in the NT portfolio....

...it's a busy place - real gold mine - check that queue.
And take a look at this for some awesome cream tea action.

What a statement.  So let's get on with the review.

Review and Rating.

Location.

10/10 One of the best, hard to beat.

The Scone 15.5/20

Or should I say scones.  What a pair of beauties!

What structure! That scone on the right - you can see the face of a grumpy cat can't you?  And look how different the scone on the left is.  Immense skills in evidence here.  They're like faberge eggs these scones; each one perfectly made but unique.  Words, you may be glad to hear, fail me.  Unfortunately not baked on the day they were sold - a tragedy.  Hence the indifferent score.

The Jam 9/10
Great Jam

'Mr Pitchfork's Pantry' - forgive the photo's lack of focus.  'From the home of Robin Hood'. Proper Jam.  OK it's still a naff little jam jar, but the jam had that excellent balance of acid v fruit and was beautifully runny.  Hard to beat.  Well done.

The Cream 8/10
Clotted, not quite enough for two great big scones, but authentic.

The Tea 10/10
The critical question when evaluating a pot of tea is this "When you poured the second cup, was it hot enough, if poured directly onto human skin, to cause second degree burns?".  Answer yes - full marks

Service and miscellaneous 9/10
Just right.

Value for money 18/20

This is a tricky one.  At £5.25 this makes it dearer than the holy grail of a crisp blue deep sea diver.  I always get a bit twitchy when having to fork out more than five pounds.  On the other hand there were two huge scones, and I wasn't charged extra for a second pot of jam.  I think the score is right.

Prejudice Corner. 8/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No - it's that old windbag. But at least he's not yellow.  1 point scored.

2) Were you addressed by any of the staff as 'duck' rhyming with 'book'?
No I wasn't and this is a source of immense sadness to me, maybe a point for the staff to work on for my next visit; but they still get a point on this one because the staff in the cafe were just spot on.

3) The National Trust has been at the forefront of whingeing about planning laws.  Do they practice what they preach?
No they don't.  Look at this monstrosity.

A Visitors' Centre. What on earth?

And then look at this.

Straight in front of the house! Ruddy great big tent that'll be there all Summer ruining everything. Just so that people can get married.  Neither marriage nor marquees should be encouraged by the National Trust
No points here.

4) It looks as if the weather was fine.  Was it too busy?
No it wasn't (1 point) but it will be.  Wouldn't come here on a bank holiday or once the schools empty.  The one marvelous recent development is that the distance from the end of the new car park to the front door of the house is about 300 miles.  This should go some way do discouraging visitors. Excellent.

5) Any signs of abstinence?
No - not at all.  Local grog served in the Restaurant.  1 point.

6) Being an Elizabethan manor, one assumes that there is a chapel.  Please tell me there weren't flowers on the altar.
Yes there were.  Hideous.  For Guardian readers it's bankers' bonuses, for the BBC it's Murdoch, for idiots it's growth rather than austerity, but for Mr Countrycreamtea it's flowers on altars.  No, please, I beg you.....

7) Were there no smoking signs everywhere?
No - I saw plenty of people chugging away.  Nice to see that the greatest fruit of Elizabethan exploration is hallowed in these northern parts. 1 point.

8) Is the NT plug for this place quintessentially fatuous?
It is and I love it.  1 point.
Some background is needed to explain this one.   For each property in the NT catalogue you'll find a 'Don't Miss' section with a handful of bullet points.  In virtually every single case they're completely and hilariously stupid.  So - in the case of Hardwick Hall you've got one of the greatest 16-th century buildings in the world in fantastic surroundings but the poor old NT believe they've got to employ somebody to come up with extra reasons for visiting somewhere.  Here's the list for Hardwick - it's vintage stuff.

Don't Miss:
i) "New visitor facilities and car park opening this spring".
Don't miss the car park?  New visitor facilities? What - have they rebuilt the house? Who on earth dreams these up?

ii) "See Hardwick come to life on costumed days"
How on earth is Hardwick  lifeless if it doesn't have volunteers dressed up in Elizabethan dresses?

iii) "Get your 'Hands on Hardwick' with family activities"
The mind boggles.  What on earth does this mean. Yep - that'll really persuade us all to come in droves.

iv) "Experience sensory delight in the herb garden"
Brilliant.  Do they realise this sounds a bit rude?  Love it.

v) "Don't miss our new outdoors and garden shop (opening spring)"
I would crawl over broken glass to avoid most NT shops. Why on earth do they think this makes the place more attractive?

vi) "Explore the picturesque parkland on one of our circular walks"

Drivel.

9)  Did the shop stink of lavender?
No it didn't so 1 point.  But considering how many lavender products they sell this is something of a surprise.  What is it about Lavender and the National Trust? I don't get it.

10)  Would Granny like it?
She'd be all over this place like a tramp on chips.  1 point.

Total score and final remarks
87.5/100
Brilliant score.  This place should be in the 90s and it would have been if they threw out uneaten scones at the end of the day.  Don't let that put you off: I'm sure they'll get that squared soon.  Enjoy.

Bonus Summer Fashion Section.
The recent heatwave sees the annual epiphany of British flesh and the unveiling of the last century's summer clothing.  Some people aren't keen on this.  I think it's absolutely wondrous. Take a look at this.

Isn't that divine?