Cream Tea (without cream) at Norwich Cathedral, Norfolk

An indifferent picture of one of the great views of England. Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley KG GCB GCH PC FRS guards the priceless treasure of Norwich Cathedral.  Wellington was most famous for admonishing the Grenadier guards for using Umbrellas during combat.  What exactly did he expect from a French regiment???

Norwich Cathedral is one of the greatest Cathedrals of the Kingdom.  But I'm aware that I'm opening a can of worms by devoting a whole post to a cream tea that had no cream.  This is surely a dangerous precedent.  Surely like reviewing fish without chips for a fish and chip blog.  Well I don't care.

Before we turn to the creamless cream tea it is worth pausing to consider two of the greatest reasons for visiting Norwich Cathedral.

Reason number 1.
In the southwest corner of the cloisters is a wonderful carved depiction of Blessed Mary.

This wonderful statue of the Blessed Queen Mary cannot but inspire the penitent person to acts of extreme devotion.   The understated pearls, the modestly clutched fan, the weekday clothing.  Just awe inspiring.   I'm aware that for others it will be the association with Julian that will bring them to this hallowed turf, but for the majority of law-abiding orthodox Christians it will the above.  (I must write to the Dean to get him to put a votive stand in front of this statue.)

Reason Number 2
It is the burial place of ........

...Bishop Henry le Despenser (d.1406).
Bishop Henry makes one proud to be British (or French I suppose).  The Cathedral website describes him as being a colourful character.  Now, I've no wish to find fault with the Dean and Chapter, but this smacks of hiding one's candle under a bushel. Bishop Henry was nothing short of a Saint, and a reminder of how a Bishop used to behave and should behave.  In this day of Bishops whose politics are as woolly as their beards the blessed Henry reminds us of their glory days.  He didn't form committees in order to discuss how to deal with problems - he simply dispensed with them (if you'll pardon the pun). So, to give but one example, he found the peasants revolt to be nothing less than revolting and dealt with it accordingly.  All in all, a hero of the faith. And he also had exquisite taste;  the altar piece which he commissioned for the cathedral, and which still adorns the altar of the St Luke's chapel is one of the great treasures of the land.  Why he hasn't been beatified and canonised is beyond me.

So - what of the creamless cream tea.

Location 9/10

My tea was taken in the Cathedral Refectory (above).  Now most modern things aren't much to my taste but I am to Norwich Cathedral what Mark Mardell is to Barak Obama - I find it almost impossible to say anything critical or negative.

There's a rather touching note of Christian humility about all of this isn't there?  Nothing too flashy but not boringly plain.  Nice biblical quotation on the rim of the platter.

The Scone 19/20
Whenever I see a dusting of icing sugar on any item of patisserie I can't help but get a little worried.  One of the oldest tricks in the book is to dust a foetid old pastry with icing sugar to try and hide the fact that it's about four days old.  It also makes your fingers sticky when you eat the bleeding thing.  I'm happy to report that, whatever the reason for the icing sugar, it certainly wasn't to hide a lack of freshness.  I'd got to the joint quite soon after opening and there were three fantastic heaps of scones, one of cheese scones, one of cherry scones, and one of fruit scones, whence this gorgeous little specimen came.  This could not have been out of the oven more than an hour - the Church of England would NEVER serve a stale scone - it's simply impossible. This was a little belter of a scone. Look at that raisin popping cheekily out of the side! Look at how wonderfully it's been milkwashed and baked to utter perfection.  In this day and age when we're tempted to say - "they don't make 'em how they used to" - here's refutation on a plate. Wonderful.

The Jam 8/10
From the above picture you might be tempted to say that this is yet another boring little jam jar.  Well - let's take a closer look.

I like this sort of style - "Juicy Strawberrry and Champagne". My word - I like the thought of teetotal dissenters choking on their scones when they realise it's made with booze.  Brilliant touch.  Good jam too.


The Cream 1/10
No clotted cream available.  The butter scores one point on the grounds that I wasn't offered margarine or given a choice of Flora or some other hideous substitute.

The Tea 10/10
Plenteous and hot.

Service and Miscellaneous 10/10
Anglican hospitality is miles ahead of the rest of the field.

Value for money 19/20
Hard to fault.

Prejudice Corner.
1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
I'm very sorry to report that he is so no points scored.

2) The so-called refectory, as you point out, is modern.  Could you reassure me that all traces of modernity are confined to the new buildings?
Not entirely but not enough to warrant not giving a point on this score. Deans and Chapters in this day and age have to nod in the direction of those who think that not keeping up with the times is akin to sacrificing babies - but since this is a Church of England establishment it's done with exquisite diplomacy and without ruining the whole caboodle. One point.

3) This cream v butter business.  I'm not happy about this, but please tell me that the butter portion didn't have the warning "contains milk".
I'm afraid it did.  The mind boggles. No points.

4) Is the precious body and blood of our Lord reserved in the Cathedral?
Of course it is you cretin - I'm almost offended that you should ask such a thing? One point.

5) I've been to a lot of these cathedrals - they claim entry is free and then they channel you through a turnstile and there's a gentlemen who says "that'll be eight pounds please".  Was that the case here?
Certainly not - and good on them with a point to help them on their way.

6) The Cathedral guides and welcomers etc..  Were they nice without pretending to be your best long lost friend?
Absolutely.  They didn't speak to me as if I had an IQ equivalent to my shoe size and were helpful without being annoying.  One point.  One slight query is that I expect cathedral guides and welcomers, in an ideal world, to have been born in the reign of Edward VII, to be reliant on at least one walking stick, to be deaf as posts, and to be wearing at least one string of pearls etc..  I didn't see enough people who fitted into this constituency but this is mere hair splitting.

7) What about coffee?
There was, to be fair, far too much coffee on offer, but this was pre-lunch so it's not entirely unforgiveable, and I'm happy to say that since I got there good and early the place wasn't stinking of it.  One point.

8) Is this place close to a first rate second hand bookshop?
I'm glad to report that Tombland Bookshop is a stone's throw away.  One of the best places on earth. One point.

9) Any piped music?
I'm offended that you ask such a thing; of course not. One point.

10) Would a reasonable person describe this place as being trendy?
Not I. One point.

Total and summary.
84/100
It's worth remembering that this score is really out of 90 as there wasn't any clotted cream.  So a fantastic score for a fantastic experience.  Heartily recommended.