Cream Tea at Ickworth House, NT, Suffolk

What a place!

It's only cretins, fans of George Moonbat, and people who think that Gary Lineker's the the right anchor man for the BBC's Olympics coverage who don't like visiting Suffolk.  Suffolk has it all: great country side, great coast, the Aldeburgh festival, no motorways, a nuclear power station, Adnams beer, Orford oysters, fantastic churches, and of course, a gold-medal-winning cream tea as enjoyed by me at Ickworth House. 

Ickworth House is a temple to straightforward British Madness.  Few inhabitants/owners of this place have been anything less than absolutely cuckoo:  Barking Bishops, Lecherous Lords, Mendacious Marquesses, Avaricious Admirals and Ambassadors, they've all lived here.  And corking cream teas.

Review and rating

Location 9.5/10

Piccie says it all.

The Scone 19.5/20

I've had a rather indifferent run of scones of late.  How brilliant to end such a run with this beauty!

That's a really excellent looking bit of kit I think you'll agree.  Even from this distance you know instantly that it's been cooked to perfection.  How about a closer look.

That's a real monster isn't it.  Perfectly formed but at the same time it has a hint of randomness about it. By having no smooth edges the pastry chef gives you more crust for your buck - delicious.  That golden edge to the whole thing is sheer quality. Bravo.  Fresh, perfectly cooked, no fruit, correctly seasoned.  An MBE is due. Haven't had a 19 plus pointer for donkeys.

The Jam 7.5
As you've seen, one of those miniscule jars.  Not big enough.  Need to pass an act of parliament to get these things banned.

The Cream 8.5
I think that, from time to time, I've been a bit rude about these individually packed clotted jobbies.  What's crucial is the temperature.  If they're straight out of the fridge it's like trying to spread butter that's been in the freezer.  But you can tell from this picture....

...that this cream was brought to me at exactly the right temperature.  Look at that scone on the right,  it's as if the cream is trying to run away!  Genius.

The Tea 10/10
Making tea isn't rocket science.  Keep it simple.  Heat the tea pot until you can't touch it with your hands, tea bag, boiling water. And make sure that there's enough for two cups.  How difficult is that? Answer: Not for Suffolk people.

Service and Miscellaneous 10/10
Brilliant.  The staff were all over Countrycreamtea junior, fetching crayons and things, couldn't do enough.  Not miserable, not too friendly - just right on the button. Excellent.

Value for money 18.5/20
Tricky one this.  £5.20 is twenty pence more than the benchmark of a crispy blue drinks voucher.  But on the other hand it was bloomin good and it was waitress service.  I think the mark's right.

Prejudice Corner 7/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?

No he isn't. Praise the Lord! I think I'm right in saying that Suffolk people have, through the means of evolution, bred out of themselves the ability to elect Liberal Democrats.  It's called progress. 1 Point.

2) You say this was a restaurant.  Isn't this in a newly refurbished part of the house?  I bet it's awful, isn't it?
 Please say more?

You know full well that we abhor all things modern on this blog - particularly when it comes to using the word 'develop' when what they actually mean is 'destroy' or 'deface'.  But...

...there's nowt much wrong with this. 1 point

3) What about coffee?  Was this filthy drink encouraged?  Or more to the point was it over-encouraged?

I'm afraid you're not going to like the answer.
Coffee drinkers are like traffic wardens.  You know that somehow the world won't function without them, they sort of have their place, but one doesn't really want to see them or have one as a neighbour.   So I'm happy for it to be on sale, just about,  but what I can't abide is our youngsters having their pliable minds lead astray into thinking that Coffee is the hot drink of choice for one of Her Majesty's Subjects, which, I'm afraid, is what's going on at Ickworth House.  So.
Sin number 1) The coffee precedes the tea on the menu!  Schoolboy.
Sin number 2) They offer decaf coffee!  I kid you not.  What's the point of that?
Sin number 3) This...

... a horrible coffee machine on full view leading my young son astray.  As vulgar as a fruit-machine. This really should be out of view.

So no points here I'm afraid.

4) Oh dear.  Not good.  Were there any other ways in which this establishment was leading our youngsters astray?

Yes there were.  This beggars belief....

.... I ask you!  Now I understand the need for this establishment to pull in the punters; and I'm aware that the wedding trade is lucrative so there's a few bob on offer.  I'm also pleased to note that there isn't a hideous marquee - the celebration of this wedding took place behind closed doors (which is how it should be).  But we can't put up with this sort of vulgarity.  No points here.  Brides should arrive either on foot or in black motorcars.

5) Oh dear! That is really beyond the pale.  Back to the restaurant.  Was it veggie-friendly?

Not overly so.  How it should be.  1 point.

6) Were you lectured about trendy foods?

A mixed bag.

Dead centre you'll see two boards.  One had a lecture on it about free range eggs.  This is ok.  Free range is good, it's kind to the poultry/livestock and it makes for better tasting food.  The one on the right started with a spiel about fair trade.  That's also ok because Fairtrade is pure capitalism i.e. both buyer and vendor agree on the price which has something in it for both parties. Good.  Then, however, it all goes wrong.  A long lecture about things Organic. This is when I switch off.  This board told us that Organic equals against the use of  pesticides.  Note that they can't claim they don't use pesticides because they do, it's just that they use old fashioned ones.  The whole organics movement is a sham.  Unlike free range poultry v. caged poultry there's no-one that I know of who can taste the difference between organic and non-organic food (incidentally, what the heck is non-organic food?).  Finally - since when are organic farming methods ever going to feed 7.5 billion people.
Rant over, but no points.

7) Was this an olympics free zone?

Yes it was.  An oasis. Well done. 1 point.

8) What about the shop?  The usual horrors?

Actually not.  I couldn't see much lavender or pot-pourri on view. 1 point here.  (Though please do turn off the piped music - it's so vulgar)

9) What about religion?

A thoroughly orthodox CofE background, enormous bookcases throughout the house full of religious tracts. Glorious. 1 point.

10) Could you take your great aunt Edith safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't be put out?

As long as you timed your visit so that she didn't see the white limo - then yes you could. 1 point.

Final Score 90.5/100

Ickworth House becomes a member of the 90+ point club.  Richly deserved. This place is definitely worth a visit.