Cream Tea at the Reverend Gilbert White's Tea Parlour, Selborne, Hampshire

Both readers of my blog will have to forgive me for having neglected this futile site for so long - I moved house a little while ago, I've also started on a University course in addition to earning my regular crust etc. etc. so I've been fairly busy.  To be fair, I have had one or two cream teas along the way but they simply didn't merit being written up for a site devoted to excellence in the Cream Tea World.  The Interweb is already so full of rudeness, crassness, and vulgarity that I have no desire to add to it by rubbishing places which I might have chanced upon on a bad day.

That's enough by way of an introductory confession to indolence.

I had the inkling when heading to Gilbert White's fantastic house in Selborne, Hampshire, that the cream tea I'd get there might be good.  Because anybody who knows anything about Cream Teas would know that the Church of England and a good cream tea go together like Gin and Tonic.  My inkling was smack on the money....

This is a promising start.  'Tea Parlour'! I quite like that: I'm not too fond of café because it speaks of coffee, whose advent to these shores, as we all know, marked the beginning of the end.  Tea Parlour, however, sounds good and English without being too naff. More to the point, it's accurate: customers take their cream teas in a Georgian parlour rather than one of those awful glass-and-pine-scandinavian jobbies that seem to have infiltrated the cream tea heritage scene in the recent past.

The Reverend Gilbert White was one of the greatest human beings to tread the face of the earth. His house is a small paradise whither he wrote hundreds of missives about creation.

That's the back of the house.  You have to shell out a few quid to get into the house and or garden, but it's well worth it as you can tell from the above photo.

OK, so they haven't got round to weeding all of it as you can tell from the above, but it's still good, no geraniums, marigolds, or winter pansies here.

So here we go

Review and rating

Location 10/10
Doesn't get much better. Picturesque Hampshire village, miles from any form of civilisation, no riffraff.

The Scone 19.5/20
What a beauty!

Have a glance at the way it's done a slightly sideways shimmy during baking.  Look at the way in which the upper half has said 'Right! I'm off!' to the lower half, like a petulant spouse during a storm in a teacup, in full knowledge that a complete separation does no-one any good in the long run. And what about the randomness of the crown?  Let's have a look from another angle.

There's a grandeur to this side which was lacking on the other. This shot gives you a true sense of the stature of the scone and, more to the point, the stature of the chef.  Marcus Aurelius, the 2nd century Roman emperor wrote in his Meditations that bread,

"in the course of its baking, tends to crack open here and there, and yet these very cracks, which are, in a sense, offences against the baker's art, somehow appeal to us and, in a curious way, promote our appetite"
(Hard, R., & Gill C., (2011) Marcus Aurelius: Meditations, Oxford: Oxford University Press, 16)

Old Marcus might well have been talking about this very scone.  My appetite was certainly promoted by this vision and it tasted absolutely wonderful.  Beautifully cooked, just enough crust on the bottom and top to give variety in texture, and an exquisite flesh.

 
Fresher than a steaming cowpat.  Close to perfection.  Just slightly lacking in seasoning and served slightly too warm.  Warm is fine, hot isn't. All in all a real beauty.

Jam 8/10
I'm often rude about these naff little jam jars - with good reason. It's because they're naff.  What on earth would Gilbert make of buying in factory made jam when there's a ruddy great big garden out the back?  I can't imagine it would have been particularly parsonical language. The only reason it gets 8 is that one Jar was for 1 scone, so it had the merit of providing just about enough jam.

Cream 8/10

They've disguised the plastic container by putting it in a bowl - I don't mind that. Cream just a tad on the cold side, but recognisable as clotted cream.  V Good

Tea 10/10
Everything hotter than Edward Snowden's hard drive and plenteous. Brilliant.

Service and miscellaneous 10/10
There were several nice Hampshire lasses beavering away being helpful without in any way being drama queens. Not overly friendly but not snooty, just right - professional but smiley. Plus they didn't ask 'what can I get you?' (That one really grips me).

Value for money 18/20
Tricky one this.  £5.50 is slightly more than a blue drinks voucher. But it was very good.

Prejudice Corner 9/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't I'm glad to say.  There are only two in the whole of Hampshire - two too many I'll agree. Still - 1 point scored.

2) What about the decor of said Tea Parlour  - bet the Laura Ashley brigade have got in there and wrecked it?
Certainly not.

Good Georgian feel to it. No objections here. 1 point scored

3)  OK - we can live with that.  What about the shop, these places are generally awful aren't they?
I'll agree that they often are.  But not this one.

That's the shop through the doorway. No stench of Potpourri. OK - there was plenty of junk on sale but many proper books in evidence.  Generally inoffensive - so 1 point scored.

4) Piped music?
None that I could hear - neither in the shop nor, more importantly, in the Tea Parlour.  1 point scored.

5) Back to the Tea Parlour.  What about the dreadful coffee you so quite rightly deride?
No problems here.  Here's the drinks menu.

1st page and a half devoted to teas, then a brief mention of Coffee - on a par with Hot Chocolate - which of course nobody drinks.  Excellent. 1 point.

6) That's 5/5 so far - there's got to be something wrong with this place - surely?
Well it isn't without it's faults.  Take a look at this.

Under the title 'Gilbert White's Cream Tea' it says 'a plain scone served with Cornish clotted cream, strawberry jam and a pot of your choice of Twinings Tea or Filter Coffee'

Choice of Tea or Coffee!? What on earth has the world come to?  The clue is in the title 'Gilbert White's Cream TEA'; for heaven's sake.  If someone really wants coffee with their cream 'tea', then they can a) ask for it and b) be politely asked to leave.  No points here.

7) What about the clientelle?  Bus loads of vermin I bet.

Not at all.  The Car Park has no place for buses and it's 200 yards from the house.  That rules out hordes of lice, and also fat people. 1 point scored.

8) What about the Parish Church outside the walls of which the blessed Gilbert is buried?

The Parish Church of St Mary's is worth a visit in itself.  I found it open, clean, and the pews weren't littered with copies of the Bible. 1 point

9) Was it the only religion on offer in the village or were there any awful chapels?
It was indeed the only religion on offer - as it should be. Not a chapel in sight (well not my sight anyway). 1 point.

10) Could you take Granny there without ruining her and, more to the point, your day?
You most certainly could. 1 point.

Total Score and final remarks
92.5/100

Gilbert White's Tea Parlour becomes a member of the 90 plus point club.  Richly deserved.  Absolutely marvelous place.  I'd sit through one of Ed Milliband's speeches to go there again.

Anyone thinking about going into Cream Teas would do well to use this place as a model.

PS - nice bit of Ivy action going on here.....

Cream Tea at The Vyne NT, Hampshire

If Northamptonshire is the Rose of the Shires then there's little doubt that Hampshire is the Clematis. Name anything quintessentially English and you'll find that Hampshire is somewhere in the mix:

• British Military prowess necessary for the defeating of johnny foreigners in the form of major Naval and Army bases (but please don't mention the other lot on this blog)
• Literature - Austen and Dickens
• Comedy - Benny Hill and Peter Sellers (though please don't mention Keith Harris and Orville)
• Windbag Politicians - Jim Callaghan
• Cricket - the county of C B Fry and John Arlott, not to mention Robin Smith and Dominic Cork

To this list should be added its contribution to the world of Cream Tea, for this was a 10-wickets-in-a-match-winning effort here at The Vyne.

Location 10/10

Photo says it all really - and you're not supposed to complain about the indolence of the head mower because leaving the grass to grow is intended to protect that habitat of Vegetarians - not exactly an endangered species, though it would be if I had my way.

The Scones 18.5/20

This is a serious proposition - good old fashioned Hampshire hospitality - and aren't those scones intriguing, the way the furthest one away leans to the right, the one nearest us to the left?  Brilliant.  And then - what on earth is that sticking out of the nearest scone?  Let's have a closer look shall we?

Yes!  It's a raisin! Extraordinary! But look, there's one popping out of the other side, and the pastry chef has managed to evoke a coastal landslip in the foreground.  Beyond belief.  You could spend nine thousand years as an apprentice in Heston Blumenthal's kitchen and not be taught this.  Special.

Jam 7/10
Red, Strawberry, but when you've got two of the best scones this side of Ursa Major to enjoy it's not going to go far enough is it?  Bit of effort required here to up the score.

The Cream 8/10

This is an improvement on the self contained pre-packed jobbies, but for someone who likes to feel his arteries tightening when tucking in, this isn't going to justice to a brace of Basingstoke beauties is it?

The Tea 10/10
Did you see the size of the pot in an earlier photo?

Service and Miscellaneous 9/10
Very little to grumble about here.

Value for money 18/20
Came in at forty pence more than a lone survivour. Always a tricky scenario for a tightfisted imbecile like myself to judge but two great scones and enough tea for a Buckingham Palace Garden Party.

Prejudice Corner 5/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't, a pleasant relief. 1 point.

2) Was there a bust of Cromwell on view?  I do hope not.
I'm afraid there was, and there's never any excuse for this.  No points here.

3) You mentioned the grievous sin of vegetarianism earlier.  Are they made to feel particularly welcome in the Tea Rooms?
Certainly not.  There were sausages and flesh aplenty on the hot plate.  1 point.

4) Were there any 'with-it' sentiments in evidence in this establishment concerning the supposed evils of GM foods?
I didn't see any petition signing going on against that specific and most welcome development but I did see this....

Ethical Firewood??  And it's four nicker a bag.  You can't get away with nonsense like this.  No points here I'm afraid.

5)  Was there any inadvertent innuendo on offer?
Yes there was - have a look at this

Positively filthy!  Wonderful.  One point scored.

6) You must have been there near the Jubilee Celebration weekend. Was the occasion marked in some way?
Yes it was, but not in the way a loyal citizen would wish.

This......

.... I presume is meant to be our Sovereign Lady, and it doesn't amuse us.

And by the same token I presume this.....

...is meant to be a representation of the Duke of Edinburgh.  Now I don't wish to appear humourless but we can't ever condone this sort of treasonous handy-work so no points awarded on this one.

7)  If you were on trial for murder could you have entered a plea of mitigating circumstances on the grounds that you'd been upset by the contents of the National Trust Shop in the Vyne and felt you had to murder someone?
You could.  Why are National Trust shops so awful?  And why do they stink of cheap potpourri?  No points here.

8)  Do they cultivate fowl for the table?
They do.  They rear chickens in the walled garden and on the water feature in front of the house....

...they're actively rearing swans.  I love roast swan.  1 point scored

9) Your last review referred to the lamentable state of affairs that has come to pass in that the National Trust now seems to be encouraging marriage between our young people.  Please tell me this wasn't the case here.

I'm afraid this picture says it all....

No points for leading astray the younger generation.

10)  Could you take your Great Aunt Myrtle along safe in the knowledge that she would both be amused and not offended?
As long as you telephoned in advance so that the bust of Cromwell could be covered or hidden indeed you could.  1 point.

Total and Summary 85.5/100

That's a seriously good score.  Somewhat disadvantaged by a rather poor showing in Prejudice Corner which, it should be pointed out, has very little to do with the quality of the cream tea. A seriously corking visit. Top Cream Tea.  Great House.  Brilliant.

"And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, 
but the goats on the left."

The Gospel according to Saint Matthew 25:33