Cream Tea (without cream) at Norwich Cathedral, Norfolk

An indifferent picture of one of the great views of England. Field Marshal Arthur Wellesley KG GCB GCH PC FRS guards the priceless treasure of Norwich Cathedral.  Wellington was most famous for admonishing the Grenadier guards for using Umbrellas during combat.  What exactly did he expect from a French regiment???

Norwich Cathedral is one of the greatest Cathedrals of the Kingdom.  But I'm aware that I'm opening a can of worms by devoting a whole post to a cream tea that had no cream.  This is surely a dangerous precedent.  Surely like reviewing fish without chips for a fish and chip blog.  Well I don't care.

Before we turn to the creamless cream tea it is worth pausing to consider two of the greatest reasons for visiting Norwich Cathedral.

Reason number 1.
In the southwest corner of the cloisters is a wonderful carved depiction of Blessed Mary.

This wonderful statue of the Blessed Queen Mary cannot but inspire the penitent person to acts of extreme devotion.   The understated pearls, the modestly clutched fan, the weekday clothing.  Just awe inspiring.   I'm aware that for others it will be the association with Julian that will bring them to this hallowed turf, but for the majority of law-abiding orthodox Christians it will the above.  (I must write to the Dean to get him to put a votive stand in front of this statue.)

Reason Number 2
It is the burial place of ........

...Bishop Henry le Despenser (d.1406).
Bishop Henry makes one proud to be British (or French I suppose).  The Cathedral website describes him as being a colourful character.  Now, I've no wish to find fault with the Dean and Chapter, but this smacks of hiding one's candle under a bushel. Bishop Henry was nothing short of a Saint, and a reminder of how a Bishop used to behave and should behave.  In this day of Bishops whose politics are as woolly as their beards the blessed Henry reminds us of their glory days.  He didn't form committees in order to discuss how to deal with problems - he simply dispensed with them (if you'll pardon the pun). So, to give but one example, he found the peasants revolt to be nothing less than revolting and dealt with it accordingly.  All in all, a hero of the faith. And he also had exquisite taste;  the altar piece which he commissioned for the cathedral, and which still adorns the altar of the St Luke's chapel is one of the great treasures of the land.  Why he hasn't been beatified and canonised is beyond me.

So - what of the creamless cream tea.

Location 9/10

My tea was taken in the Cathedral Refectory (above).  Now most modern things aren't much to my taste but I am to Norwich Cathedral what Mark Mardell is to Barak Obama - I find it almost impossible to say anything critical or negative.

There's a rather touching note of Christian humility about all of this isn't there?  Nothing too flashy but not boringly plain.  Nice biblical quotation on the rim of the platter.

The Scone 19/20
Whenever I see a dusting of icing sugar on any item of patisserie I can't help but get a little worried.  One of the oldest tricks in the book is to dust a foetid old pastry with icing sugar to try and hide the fact that it's about four days old.  It also makes your fingers sticky when you eat the bleeding thing.  I'm happy to report that, whatever the reason for the icing sugar, it certainly wasn't to hide a lack of freshness.  I'd got to the joint quite soon after opening and there were three fantastic heaps of scones, one of cheese scones, one of cherry scones, and one of fruit scones, whence this gorgeous little specimen came.  This could not have been out of the oven more than an hour - the Church of England would NEVER serve a stale scone - it's simply impossible. This was a little belter of a scone. Look at that raisin popping cheekily out of the side! Look at how wonderfully it's been milkwashed and baked to utter perfection.  In this day and age when we're tempted to say - "they don't make 'em how they used to" - here's refutation on a plate. Wonderful.

The Jam 8/10
From the above picture you might be tempted to say that this is yet another boring little jam jar.  Well - let's take a closer look.

I like this sort of style - "Juicy Strawberrry and Champagne". My word - I like the thought of teetotal dissenters choking on their scones when they realise it's made with booze.  Brilliant touch.  Good jam too.


The Cream 1/10
No clotted cream available.  The butter scores one point on the grounds that I wasn't offered margarine or given a choice of Flora or some other hideous substitute.

The Tea 10/10
Plenteous and hot.

Service and Miscellaneous 10/10
Anglican hospitality is miles ahead of the rest of the field.

Value for money 19/20
Hard to fault.

Prejudice Corner.
1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
I'm very sorry to report that he is so no points scored.

2) The so-called refectory, as you point out, is modern.  Could you reassure me that all traces of modernity are confined to the new buildings?
Not entirely but not enough to warrant not giving a point on this score. Deans and Chapters in this day and age have to nod in the direction of those who think that not keeping up with the times is akin to sacrificing babies - but since this is a Church of England establishment it's done with exquisite diplomacy and without ruining the whole caboodle. One point.

3) This cream v butter business.  I'm not happy about this, but please tell me that the butter portion didn't have the warning "contains milk".
I'm afraid it did.  The mind boggles. No points.

4) Is the precious body and blood of our Lord reserved in the Cathedral?
Of course it is you cretin - I'm almost offended that you should ask such a thing? One point.

5) I've been to a lot of these cathedrals - they claim entry is free and then they channel you through a turnstile and there's a gentlemen who says "that'll be eight pounds please".  Was that the case here?
Certainly not - and good on them with a point to help them on their way.

6) The Cathedral guides and welcomers etc..  Were they nice without pretending to be your best long lost friend?
Absolutely.  They didn't speak to me as if I had an IQ equivalent to my shoe size and were helpful without being annoying.  One point.  One slight query is that I expect cathedral guides and welcomers, in an ideal world, to have been born in the reign of Edward VII, to be reliant on at least one walking stick, to be deaf as posts, and to be wearing at least one string of pearls etc..  I didn't see enough people who fitted into this constituency but this is mere hair splitting.

7) What about coffee?
There was, to be fair, far too much coffee on offer, but this was pre-lunch so it's not entirely unforgiveable, and I'm happy to say that since I got there good and early the place wasn't stinking of it.  One point.

8) Is this place close to a first rate second hand bookshop?
I'm glad to report that Tombland Bookshop is a stone's throw away.  One of the best places on earth. One point.

9) Any piped music?
I'm offended that you ask such a thing; of course not. One point.

10) Would a reasonable person describe this place as being trendy?
Not I. One point.

Total and summary.
84/100
It's worth remembering that this score is really out of 90 as there wasn't any clotted cream.  So a fantastic score for a fantastic experience.  Heartily recommended.

Cream Tea at Waddesdon Manor, Buckinghamshire

Waddesdon Manor is fairly close to where I live so I've visited it several times during this Summer and grown rather fond of it.  Its gardens are ideal for my son Countrycreamtea Junior to run around in - and although it's usually busy it's never pullulating.

Waddesdon, it should be noted, however, is a fairly bizarre place.   So - a glance at the NT webside page tells us not to miss the following three things:

• See one of the finest collections of Sèvres porcelain.
• Marvel at Marie-Antoinette's writing desk.
• Discover contemporary sculptures in the gardens.

Now I'm fully aware that I'm betraying my lack of sophistication, education and upbringing as much as revealing any shortcomings in the attractions of this fine 1880 property, but I would politely suggest that these aren't features that I would describe as 'don't miss'.

• I'm all in favour of porcelain for use, but once it's in glass cabinets I feel as if I'm no longer a stakeholder in the affair; 
• Just because Marie Antoinette once penned a missive sat at some desk or other doesn't inspire me with much interest, let alone wonderment or marvelling;
• I take as much delight in contemporary sculpture as in Carp fishing. 

And while I'm spending some time on the shortcomings of the place I'm minded to warn potential visitors that seeing the inside of the house was not, for me, a hugely memorable experience.   There's no doubt that much of the content is priceless, striking, and awesome.  But so much of it is terribly vulgar.  If Mrs Countrycreamtea got hold of an inordinately humungous pot of moolah and decorated our gaff in a manner similar to this I'd have her sectioned.  It makes one understand why the French Revolution happened in the first place. Now - for someone who thinks that the French Revolution ranks among the Beatles, polyester, margarine, Mahler, and the BBC as some of the greatest disasters ever to befall Western civilization this is quite a statement.  Of course nothing could ever excuse the French Revolution, but the interiors of places like Waddesdon do seem to give it a certain context.

But don't let any of this put you off.  The house and gardens are absolutely fantastic.

So - what about the cream tea.
Well - I'd been looking forward to steaming in for some Cream Tea action during many a previous visit.  By the time I actually got the chance a few weeks ago I was almost broken by the anticipation.  But my word it was worth it.
This is a bona fide posh Cream Tea place - the Manor Restaurant (just opposite the ticket office).


Location  10/10
The description says it all. A perfect dix.

The Scone 20/20

Looks promising I think you'll agree.   That scone looks the business doesn't it?  Let's have a closer look.

No fruit - which, if I'm honest, is how I like 'em.  This one ticked all the boxes.  High butter content, perfectly kneaded, correctly seasoned, a decent size, out of the oven no more than 40 minutes.  And look at the perfection with which it's risen. A pastry chef who can do this can surely do anything.  That horizontal crevice was put there by the gods to aid the delicate act of slicing - providing the consumer with a wonderful starting point. I don't hand out full score for scones on a regular basis - so this is praise indeed.

The Jam 7/10
Boring naff little jar - not enough of it.

The Cream 8.5/10
A nice aleatoric blob in its own dish rather than one of those tawdry plastic jobbies. V good.

The Tea  5/10
The rather quaint looking teapot looked promising but it's no good to devil, man or beast unless you heat the bloomin thing before you make the tea. Second cup barely tepid.  Not good.

Service and miscellaneous.
9/10
Bar the teapot calamity nothing to fault.  Starched tabliers in evidence, room at the inn, and the up-marketness of it all is worn rather lightly.

Value for money 18/20
The unheated teapot is creating havoc on the scores of this one which is a shame.  I can't remember the exact price but it was somewhere in the £6/7 mark which is pretty good.

Prejudice Corner. 9/10
1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No - so one point scored - but it's him again.  Note that the website tells us we should address him as Mr Bercow.  I ask you.  The dignity of the House is invested in this Gentleman.  It's this guy we look to to keep the monarch and the generals from getting too big for their boots - and we're bidden not to call him Mr Speaker.  What next? I suppose it could be worse - his wife might have posed in the altogether for some newspaper or other.  That really would put him beyond the pale.

2) Any evidence of one of the vilest fruits of non-conformity - abstinence from the dreaded drink?
Certainly not.  This pad belongs to the Rothschild family and next to the obligatory shop selling naff and trivia there's a booze shop selling classed growths off the left bank. Fantastic.  1 point. 

3) Were there any wild beasts in captivity in evidence?
Yes there were - rather a fine aviary full of bizarre species in keeping with the general bizareness off the place.  One point.

4) Did you overhear any conversations along the lines of 'I can never get my marigolds to grow like these'?
No - thank goodness.  One point.

5) What about the dreaded coffee?  Any quarter whatsoever given to addicts of the bean?
None at all.  The drinks menu had about 12 varieties of tea, and only 3 of coffee.  That may be 3 too many but this place is at the vanguard of keeping the latte crowd firmly in their place.  One point.

6) Smoking?
I'm fairly certain I saw lots of people chuffing away happily on my visit.  As it should be - one point.

7) Vegetarians? Would you say that they were given any special treatment?
Not as such - plenty of flesh on the menu.  One point.

8) You mentioned that it's often busy.  I find this worrying - please reassure me that it isn't popular.
The beauty of the place is that the gardens are so vast and there's so much to see you barely notice.  One point.

9) Were there any coach parties?
Afraid so - this is not to be encouraged.  (One idea would be to make the coaches park at the bottom of the hill atop of which sits the house - should sort that one out nicely) No points.

10) Would an average person describe the experience as trendy?
I wouldn't have thought so for a moment.  One point

Total and Summary 86.5/100
By Jove that teapot incident has diminished the score considerably.  But the perfect scone will linger long on the taste buds, and I look forward to returning one day.  86.5 is still a pretty good total......

Brill Parish Church Cream Tea

I'm aware that one of the major failings of this completely worthless blog is the fact that it's paid far too much attention to National Trust Cream Teas.  For this I apologise (in part).  Anyway - by way of redress here's a record of my recent visit to the Parish Church of All Saints, Brill. 

Brill is one of those villages which makes you suspect that God was, is, and always will be, an Englishman.  Perched on a wonderful Buckinghamshire hilltop, it's far enough away from cities and towns such as Oxford, Aylesbury and Thame to make it feel somehow proper and rural, but not too far from a Waitrose that it feels uncivilised. It's truly brilliant.

What a sight.  The sign on the railings says it all.  Perfectly legible without being garish, and minimum information.  What, when, where. No superfluous details about vegetarians being welcome or where to tie your horse or anything.  Straight to the point.  It's round about this moment that you realise you're in for one serious cream tea treat.
Devotees of a decent cream tea will know that a fine scone with all the appropriate trimmings is something akin to a religious experience. And so it makes perfect sense that the optimum cream tea should be served in an ancient Parish building of the Church of England.

Location 10/10

(The Lady in the foreground is obviously petrified that she's got there a bit too late and is therefore hurrying her young companion along.)I'm confident that I've described the location in enough detail to convince you that full marks are the order of the day here.

The Scone 19/20

Take a look at that scone! Infinitesimally short of perfection.  Those two raisins are like two puppydog eyes gazing entreatingly at the consumer to put it out of its misery.  Freshly baked, perfectly milk-washed, exactly the right size.
Before going on to consider the rest of the scores it is surely worth pausing to take in the extraordinarily fine view that this photograph presents.  Where to start?  The wonderful tablecloth?  The bowl of sugar cubes? Those very fine knives? The bone china cup and saucer on the right with the exquisite pink rose design?  Who knows? Truly breathtaking.

The Cream 9/10
Great to get the cream served in proper dishes rather than the cheap foil topped plastic jobbies that one receives in so many places these days - not in the Church of England, however. Fantastic.  Clotted, generous, flirtatious.  Just the ticket.

The Jam 8.5/10
So nice not to be subjected to another horrid little jam jar containing insufficient condiment for the job at hand. It contained real strawberries and wasn't too sweet.  It was possibly a little bit too red for my taste.

The Tea 10/10
The Church of England rarely scores less than full marks - this place is not the exception that proves the rule.  Look at the size of the teapot for heavens' sake.

Service and miscellaneous. 10/10
Absolutely right on the money.  The ladies of the parish were right over it like a rash on a hot baby's bottom - but without being too fussy or over the top.  There was attention to detail (see remarks on the tablecloth above),  they doted on Master Countrycreamtea junior (aged 20 months) and got all the toys out and everything, and they served a damn good cream tea.

Value for money 20/20
It wasn't a double-sconed variety but this could all be paid for with shrapnel.

Prejudice corner 9/10

1) Is the local MP a liberal democrat?
Here we go again.  No he isn't so one point scored but he does make me come out in a rash sometimes. See this video to see why he gets my goat. Anyway - let's move on.

2) Is the Rector's middle name Dorita?
It is indeed - as I've said,  nothing inappropriate about this joint whatsoever. One point.

3) What about non-conformity?  Any horrid little dens of schism anywhere in the vicinity to give you a nasty bout of indigestion?

This looks suspiciously like a chapel - looking out over the same green as the church.  Oh dear!  A closer look at the above, however, reveals that it has been gloriously converted into an habitation.  Phew- what a relief.  Good job they've done too.  Garage action, nice porch, and I'm sure the glorious pink would annoy 18th-century heretics everywhere.  One point scored.  Readers should note, however, that elsewhere in the village there is a functioning chapel.  I would recommend that readers find it on Google maps, make adjustments to their satnavs so that they might avoid it on driving through the village.  1 point scored.

4)  Back to the church.  What about Book of Common Prayer services, and awful things like bibles in pews?
No problems here.  No bibles in the pews (that really does make me come out in spots), sufficient BCP services, and  proper hymn books (i.e. not ones with with the words "songs" or "praise" in the title).  A few nods towards being modern to keep a Bishop at bay, but nothing to frighten the horses. 1 point scored.

5) That doesn't sound too bad.  Please tell me they weren't playing piped music.
Oh dear - no points here.  There really is no excuse for piped music.  Never.  Even if it is the slow movement of the Emperor Concerto but for that to then segue into part of Faure's Requiem really is too much for any Anglican of quality.  To suffer the music of country in which Jansenists, Jesuits, and Dantonists flourished is beyond the pale. No points here.

6) What about vegeterians?
Students of scripture will know that the error of vegetarianism is contrary to the Holy Book so you're hardly likely to find it encouraged in such a bastion of rectitude as this Parish church. 1 point

7) Any signs about GM, organic, or similar abominations.
Not that I saw.  1 point

8) Was there a sign saying that while smoking has never been allowed within churches it is perfectly permissible to partake of snuff until the end of the Collect during the Holy Communion?
Now you're just being silly.  1 point

9) What about the dreaded C word - coffee?
I think it was available but I it was a bit like asking for condoms at a chemist - highly embarrassing for all concerned.  As it should be.  1 point.

10) Would an ordinary person describe this as a trendy experience?
Certainly not.  And long may it last.  The faith and the cream tea tradition flourishes in Brill, and may God save the Queen.  1 point.



Total  95.5/100
I suspect this may be the highest mark to date - richly deserved.  This experience oozed quality.   For some Anglicans it's going to Iona,  for others it may be eating rich tea biscuits,  for others a day retreat during which one talks about feelings, but for those of an orthodox disposition you'll get your fix up on the hill for a few bob. Fan-creamtea-tastic.