Cream Tea at Canons Ashby, Northamptonshire

One of my suspicions is that anyone who hasn't lived in Northamptonshire is a little resentful of the fact - as if something in his life is a little bit incomplete.  The county signs proclaim that this is the Rose of the Shires.  Indeed.  Ok, so Northampton itself isn't exactly Oxford or Bath, and the same could no doubt be said of some of the other larger towns in the county.  But Northamptonshire is one great place.

One of its great treasures is Canons Ashby.  Even if the cream tea served here were execrable (which it certainly wasn't) Canons Ashby would be a fantastic afternoon or morning.  Mrs Countrycreamtea and I found it to be absolutely marvellous.  The only problem with Canons Ashby is trying to find fault with it.

Now I should admit that I am to Architecture what Johann Hari is to fact - so people will need to go elsewhere to verify what I'm about to claim.  Canons Ashby is an Elizabethan gem.  It doesn't show much sign of having been trashed or improved by Georgians or Victorians - and since the Cream Tea Circuit is dominated by these two ages, to visit Canons Ashby makes for a singularly wonderful experience.

"Just shut your cream tea hole and tell us about the cream tea!" I hear my readers say (that's if the blog had any readers).

Location 10/10
Everything in its place - the slightly faded bunting on the right gives the impression that there recently took place a rather naughty but nice do to which only the best people were invited as if to say "this is all terribly proper here but we know how to do a good do".   Another terribly appealing aspect is the correctly unkempt foliage over the wall and around the windows which goes a considerable way to undermining the National Trust's image as a place where everything is annoyingly Versailles and without a blade of grass in the wrong place.  Then there's the appropriate garden furniture, sturdy, functional, safe, but not looking as it was purchased at a Habitat (or worse - Ikea)..

It's all tremendously civilised and the place wasn't pullulating with visitors. The above is a view towards the house itself.

The Scone 19.5/20

Upon my word - what a beautiful pair of scones.  There's something both wonderfully old fashioned and modern about them.  They immediately struck me as solidly traditional but I couldn't help but notice that one is plain while the other has fruit. 

Should it have fruit or should it not - discuss.

I've always wrestled hugely with these questions: Is freedom delivered by the State or is freedom freedom from the State?; is it always a good idea to serve Claret with cheese?; what exactly is a sin against the Holy Spirit?  These are three of the great questions of life but an equally important question must be - should a scone have fruit?  As is the case with the other three questions - what makes them great questions is not so much the answer you reach as the method by which you reason your way to the answer.  This last question will, in due course, be in receipt of its own post.  For the moment what will suffice is the supreme confidence of the Chef in presenting both varieties on one plate - as if to say "I can do either with impunity and with perfect results".   What confidence!
As far as taste was concerned - we were eating the labours of a true genius.  I'm fairly certain we were dealing with a high butter content which introduced a distinct sense of shortbread to the proceedings. This introduced a wonderful crispness which was a wonderful foil to the creaminess of the, ahem, cream.

The Cream 8.5/10
Fantastic clotted cream of the right temperature which wasn't served in the pot in which it arrived at the kitchen.  A joy.

The Jam 8/10
If I had any readers of this blog they would know by now that I've become increasingly vexed by the naff little jars with gingham lids which pervade the cream tea circuit.  Take a look at this.

How wonderful to encounter two satisfying blobs - one of cream, the other of Jam.  This is pure joy.  The main reason cream tea aficionados love it like this is because you get a more satisfying amount of cream and jam.  Look at the way that enormous helping of Jam has collapsed into two sub portions.  This may not be the finest homemade jam, but the considerable sensitivity of the sous chef has given a touch of je ne sais quoi to the whole proceedings thus ensuring, among many other things, a few extra marks. 


The Tea 10/10
Impossible to fault this fecund offering.

Service and Miscellaneous 9.5/10
Not a busy place (mercifully) but the chance to enjoy one's cream tea right at the heart of the place rather than near the car park under the watchful guidance of the best staff is a delight.


Value for money  19/20
Absolutely brilliant.

Prejudice Corner


1) Is the local MP a liberal democrat?
No he isn't so well done and one point scored.

2) Now it's a well known fact that Canons Ashby has its own rather marvelous church.  Was the precious body of our Lord reserved therein?
Not that I could tell.  No points.

3) That's not good.  But at least one could be sure that there wasn't any piped music played?
Afraid not.  There was a hideous sound system playing selections of Gregorian Chant.  It's hard to fathom the depraved mind that came up with such an idea.  While this might be just about excusable in a place such as Notre Dame de Paris where some method of benign crowd control is necessary to dampen the enthusiasm of vile hordes of school children there cannot be any excuse in a church in Northamptonshire.  No points.

4) You mention children - were there throngs of badly behaved children at the tea rooms?
Certainly not.  Only my own impeccably behaved child.  One point.

5) Was it possible to get 3G reception in order to keep abreast of the goings on at Egbaston?
Mercifully yes. 1 point.

6) Were there any coffee drinkers lurking about behind the agapanthus?
Not that I could see - it's good to know that these schismatics are not being given any quarter. 1 point.

7) Was this a place which would describe itself as inclusive of vegetarians and vegans?
While it is true that they weren't actively pilloried (a great shame) I could not see that they were being courted. Long may this continue - with one point to aid the effort.

8) You've struggled to find fault with this place.  Surely there were a plethora of irritating things elsewhere?
I searched high and low.  Yes the shop was annoying - all NT shops are - that stench of Lavender and unreadable books and naffness is ubiquitous in these places. With the exception of the shop not a single false note.  1 point here.

9) Did you see anybody smoking?
Fair cop on this one.  We've got to dock points somewhere.  NO points.

10) Would a reasonable person describe this as being trendy?
Impossible. 1 point.

Total and Summary 91.5/100
A stratospherically high scoring cream tea which deserves ever single nano-point. Better than an Alasdair Cook double century.

Cream Tea at Stowe Gardens, National Trust, Buckinghamshire

After the second mouthful of this wonderful cream tea I remarked to Mrs Countrycreamtea that I was speechless, to which her reply was that she has always been grateful for small mercies.  Such are the down to earth moments that sometimes accompany a life changing experience.  If there were any readers of this blog they would of course know that I am not given to overstatements of any kind whatsoever. And so I can sincerely avow that this was one of the greatest cream teas ever.

Stowe Gardens (the NT doesn't own the house - it's an educational establishment) are absolutely wonderful.  The grounds are vast and are littered with innumerable architectural ornaments.  These additions are sometimes absurd but almost never inappropriate.  It is a quite wonderful place.

But what about the cream tea?

Location 9/10
The tea room stands adjacent to one of the largest architectural additions to Stowe Gardens.  Those fluted Ionic columns are quite something aren't they?  This temple is dedicated to Concord and Victory.  How wonderful to enjoy a winning cream tea right in its very shadow.  This is a very great place, but....

.... a prefab is a prefab so one point lost here I'm afraid.

The scone 19.5/20

19.5 out of twenty is a very great score but this pair of beauties is worth every single half point awarded.  There's a real skilful carefree element that's visible here.  The cook here is to scones what Eric Cantona was to football.  Brilliant, talented, on the money, but always unpredictable.  Here you see it by the way in which the baking powder has worked in different ways.  On the left the near rupture is horizontal - smack through the middle at the same trajectory as that through which the knife passes;  on the right it is across the top of the crown of a scone that has behaved quite differently,  here it's like an out of control toadstool that's risen perfectly upright with only the slightest hint of listing.
Before going on to discuss the taste I must draw your attention to that little raisin that's visible on the right side of the right scone.  It's like a precocious young talent that's endeavored to break  free from the shackles of classical form while knowing that to break entirely free might be its ruin.  A raisin trapped at the very edge of the frying pan looking over into the fire so to speak.  To remain might mean being trapped into the bourgeois world of a fat cream tea reviewer, but to leap might mean never having one's talents acknowledged.  All this meaning guided by the gifted hands of a master baker.  Quite astonishing.
As its score bears witness, this is a great tasting scone.  Unsweetened, perfectly salted, freshly baked, and brushed almost carelessly by a rich egg/milkwash.  Quite fabulous.


The Cream 8/10
Clotted, cold (but not too cold), spot on.

The Jam 8/10
I normally find it impossible to give these horrible little jars more than 7.  The cheeky little variation here is that, knowing that one hopeless little jar couldn't possible be enough for two generous scones, I went back to ask for a second jar, for which I wasn't charged.  Now I realise this might sound penny pinching and terribly Hyacinth Bucketish,  but that's the sort of generous gesture that appeals - as if I've passed a little test posed me by the descendants of Richard Temple-Nugent-Brydges-Chandos-Grenville.

The Tea 10/10
Vast amounts of it - hot until the fourth and last cup. Brilliant.


Service and Miscellaneous. 10/10
This place was very busy but the kitchen maids were all over it like tramps on chips. And despite the busyness the tables didn't look like those found at a Burger King in a London Terminus at rush hour.  See also Jam above.

Value for money. 20/20.
This premier cream tea came with change from a blue drinks voucher.

Prejudice corner. 9/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat.
This question rents me in two.  No he isn't and so in a sense the answer is simple and one point is scored:  the rules are, after all, the rules.  This point, however, has to be one of the most grudgingly bestowed points in the unillustrious history of www.countrycreamtea.blogspot.com.

2) In a place so dominated by classical architecture, was there any room made available for the one true catholic church of England?
Yes there was - two churches on the one site without a den of non-conformist vice anywhere in sight. 1 point.

3) You've mentioned how busy it was.  But was it popular?
You're quite right in alluding to the fact that countrycreamtea abhors popularity.  Well attended, however, doesn't necessarily mean popular - so one carefully scored point awarded.

4) What about coffee?  I know it was popular in the 18th century but since tea is tea, and since Buckinghamshire, the last time I looked, was still in England, was any quarter given to tea-scorning bean deviants?
Not a bit of it.  In actual fact I couldn't help but notice that Latte and Cappuccino were both off for the afternoon - and no I didn't sabotage the milk steamer.  1 point.

5) On approaching the scone counter, how were you addressed?
A particularly appropriate question.  The other day, in a public house in Oxfordshire the cellarman addressed me as mate.  Now it's not as if I want, or deserve if the truth be told, to be addressed as Sir or anything, but I am driven to distraction by such faux-chumminess.  But this, mercifully, tends not to happen in cream tea houses.  No doubt it soon will, but for the time being 1 point scored.

6) To facilitate your visit was there a mobile food buggy offering snacks and drinks out and about?
Though I didn't see such a worthless caravanserai on my visit the prospectus tells me it is there.  No points here.

7) I'm told this place was extremely popular at the close of the 18th and beginning of the 19th centuries.  Please don't tell me it was crawling with repulicans.
Not a bit of it.  Members of many of the great Royal Families of Europe were guests throughout this time - so put your copy of the London Review of Books away and put a point in your pipe and smoke it.

8)  You mention smoking. What of tobacco and snuff?
I'm afraid that since this was such a fine cream tea I wasn't paying much attention to this question.  I'm sure, however, that I saw an elderly gentlemen chugging on a great big cheroot as I entered the establishment. 1 point.

9) Vegetarianism?
Certainly not. 1 point

10) Would a reasonable person describe the experience as being trendy?
Certainly not in a place where two of the greatest attractions are buildings such as the Gothic Temple and Monument to British Worthies.  1 point.

Total and Summary 93.5/100
A total score above 75 or so is a cream tea worthy of travel.  A score of above 90 denotes the sublime.  This was sublime.  One of the great places of England served by a suitably great cream tea. Fantastic.

Cream Tea at Attingham Park, Shropshire

This cream tea loving welshman was beyond consolation at leaving his beloved homeland the other day - but his misery was alleviated by this rather wonderful property.

Attingham Park is a prize winning estate in Shropshire.  After being stuck behind awful caravans all the way from West Wales (which seemed to take for ever and a day) it was great to get out of the motor car and experience a gorgeous lungful of the smell of farmyard manure.

Attingham Park is all singing all dancing.  There's a magnificent house, great parkland, good walks, a walled garden, and a socking great big orchard full of healthy looking chickens.  Unfortunately the Cockerel's had to leave the place recently - a sign informed us that since he'd been attacking staff and visitors of late so he'd had to go.  Poor lad.  Nobody knows exactly whence came this aggression.  My hunch is that he'd had a cream tea at the cafe in the stables near the entrance and had simply gone wild about life and lost the plot.  A solidly reliable Salopian cream tea can do this to even the most stable of creatures, man or beast.

Looking at this you can see exactly why the poor old cockerel went mad.  Just like a good cockerel doesn't take any messing from the other chickens or from visitors - here's a scone that has its mind firmly on keeping the jam and cream in the proper place - right at the edge of things so he can dominate centre stage. Here's a cream tea that is full of confident swagger.  I knew from the off that this would be a good un.

Rating

Location 10/10
The Tea Room is in among the stable block.  So it's classy - it makes Downton Abbey look like a 1950's semi - and it's busy.  All sorts of things going on here ( there's a wonderful waft of manure coming in from the nearby farm.  Top class.

The Scone 14/20
Only a quick glance at this scone is necessary to see that it's the work of a master.  It's been carefully kneaded and my guess is that it was cooked rather slowly. This allowed the dough to rise evenly and develop the cheekiest of crusts - not like the crust on a well done loaf - just enough to give it something special.  It's the perfect size in that it's significant but without ruining your supper later in the day.  Unfortunately it wasn't cooked on the day it was eaten hence the disappointing score.

The Cream 8/10
Clotted, Cornish, and even though I'm getting slightly annoyed with these little containers, it was served at the ideal temperature - cold but soft enough so that it would spread nicely.  This attention to detail on the part of the Maitre D makes me purr with satisfaction.

The Jam 7/10
These little jars are really beginning to get on my nerves.  What can be said in their favour is that if you've only got one scone, then it's nearly enough.  But then this series of jars has the naffest of titles.  It's called, "Thursday Cottage Strawberry Jam".  How naff is that? What the heck has Thursday got to do with it?  I wonder what the rest of the series of the series is.  Monday Multi-storey Marmite?  Tuesday Pre-fab peanut butter? If it were the best Strawberry Jam this side of the day of judgement one might turn a blind eye to this sort of infelicity but the ubiquity of these horrid little jars is beginning to grate a little.  But it's not. It's simply ok - nothing more.

The Tea 9/10
Solid and reliable.  Just the thing to break up a long journey in the car.


Service and miscellaneous 10/10
Absolutely first rate.  It was a Saturday and the world and his wife had turned up but the kitchen slaves were fully on top of it.  There were all sorts of things to keep Countrycreamtea Junior amused.

Value for money 18/20
Not quite a premier division cream tea but this all came at less than four quid.  That's impressive.

Prejudice corner
1) Is the local MP a Liberal democrat?
No - he is certainly not - which means 1 bonus point in this cheeky little corner of the rating system.

2) Were there any dens of dissent spoiling the views from this wonderful estate?
No - thankfully - 1 point scored.

3) You said the place was heaving. Didn't this spoil the whole episode?
While I can't bear to be in places which are all popular and full of people all having a nice time it didn't actually feel chocka.  The car park was full but it didn't feel too bad.  1 point.

4) So - the clientelle that you saw - do you think that the majority would have voted for or against AV in the recent referendum?
While I'm sure there was the odd radical hiding behind the hostas they certainly weren't in the majority.

5) Was there a private chapel with an enormous and impractical and out of proportion lectern inside on which stood a completely unthumbed King James Bible or Book of Common Prayer?
No there wasn't.  I reckon the Berwicks were as interested in the true faith as they were in having children.
No points here.

6) Was there much vegetarian fare on the menu?
You should know by know that even one vegetarian item is one too many - but it didn't feel like a vegan convention so we'll be gracious and award one point.

7) Was there much coffee drinking going on?
Far too much.  We never had a problem with too much coffee drinking until Rupert Murdoch came to blighty. No points.

8) Wasn't it all a bit Marcus Brigstocke?
Never heard of him - 1 point scored.

9) Did you see anyone enjoying snuff or tobacco?
No I didn't - no points.

10)  Would a reasonable person describe the experience as being trendy?
This is a tricky one.  With so much going on, with so many people having a lovely time, with so many things to draw in the kids I fear that they may so describe it.  So no points.

Total and Summary
82/100
A good solid score. Fantastic cream tea in a fantastic place which is buzzing.  Keep up the good work and please throw away any scones you don't sell on the day.

Llanerchaeron

Anybody who knows anything about anything should know about Llanerchaeron - a few miles inland from Aberaeron in Cardiganshire. This is a wonderful neck of the woods. The drive from Aberaeron to Lampeter goes through the most wonderful lush countryside.  Aberaeron itself is excellent with some excellent scoff on offer - both cooked and uncooked.  And then Llanerchaeron itself is a wonderful estate;  there's a wonderful Nash house, a fantastic walled garden, a lake, a farm, you name it - it's here.

But what about the cream tea?


Well here it is.

What a sight!  Look at the way in which that enormous and haphazardly-shaped scone dominates the landscape.  Begging to be eaten.  Consider that stretch mark closest to you on the top half of the scone - the way in which the fruit is bursting to free itself by means of the baking powder from the shackles of the dough.  Gaze in wonderment at the way in which the kitchen staff have cheekily cut the scone in two.  Nash the architect who designed the house a few hundred yards away may have been a genius - but the person who dished this up could surely command a few pages in the Pevsner of Cream Teas.  The people of Cardiganshire are supposed to be mean - but there's nothing mean about this cream tea - I mean - look at the size of the milk jug!

After saying all this - it needs to be admitted that this is not a cream tea without its controversy.  But we'll come to all that in due course.

Rating

Location
9/10
What a place!

This is a superb location.  Although a new building don't you think it strikes the right note of austerity for our recession-stricken age?  There's a hint of the hay shed about it - or the sense there may be a battered old tractor lurking around the back of the kitchen.  But it's surrounded by woodland and lawns.  Quite wonderful.  It would score a perfect ten if it weren't for the fact that it shares the same field as the car park. Am sorry to split hairs on this one.....

The scone 15.5/20
I've already given something of a description above.  In coming to give the scone a rating what needs to be stressed is its enormous size - almost a knife and fork scone.  Perfectly seasoned, not too much fruit, a hint of crumbliness.  Unfortunately not as fresh as it should be. But immensely satisfying.


The cream 5/10
The cream isn't clotted which is a great shame as this automatically rules out a perfect score.  After saying that - it is fresh,  it is the right temperature, it is unsweetened, but it looks mightily like it's come out of an aerosol can.  How on earth does one score such a sight, especially when served on its own doily?
A word is needed on doilies methinks.
Anyone thinking of using doilies in their cream teas should be very very very very careful.  On the one hand they can be a cream tea's downfall, but on the other they can just give the right sort of lift to the whole experience.  While doilies are, by their very nature, the height of naff - naff can sometimes have its place.  This is a devil of a business to quantify.
What I would say on this cream tea is that the size of the doily (small) together with the fact that it's inherent naffness is being used to lighten the slight tawdriness of aerosoled cream (which, incidentally, has been perfectly squirted) in an ironic way - suggests the work of a master cream tea craftsman - someone who really can make a purse out of a sow's ear.  In a word - genius.

The Jam 9/10
Readers will now be fully aware that the cream tea under discussion is a controversial beast.  We've had doilies, we've had aerosol cream,  we've had butter portions (why?).  And now the Jam - blackcurrant for heaven's sake.   This breaks one of the cardinal rules of cream teas - namely that the Jam should always be strawberry.  But, as I've said earlier, we're dealing with the work of genius in this cream tea, and one of the hallmarks of a genius is that (s)he's able to break the rules not just in order to break them and show how clever (s)he is or how modern (s)he is, but in order to take the recipient to a new level of appreciation.   Breathtaking.  This is homemade blackcurrant jam of the very best quality.  There's the perfect balance of sugar versus fruit which allows the fruit to come through beautifully - gorgeous Cardiganshire blackcurrants picked at their optimum ripeness - so it's just a little bit tart.   And the maker's first name, Ann, but not the surname, is given on the jar with her phone-number.  I won't dare to phone her myself but I'm certain to be passing on her phone number to Downing Street so that she can be made an MBE at the end of December.
To explain the score - a non-Strawberry Jam can't get a perfect ten - so a half dropped there, plus the naff jam jar (wrong sort of naff).


Tea 10/10
Socking great big (pre-heated) pot of proper Cardiganshire tea. Fantastic.

Service and miscellaneous 9/10
Hard to fault it.  A busy place but efficient staff kept the whole thing moving swiftly.

Value for money 19/20
Although only one scone provided it was a belter and the whole thing came in under four quid.  Asda value has nothing on this.

Prejudice corner.
1) Is the local MP a liberal democrat?
Afraid so.  Now I'm sure he's a nice guy and I'm aware that this neck of the woods has a pedigree of very fine Liberal MPs, but I'm afraid the rules are the rules.  No points on this one.

2) Are there any signs of non-conformity in the area?
No.  1 point scored.

3) What about the local church?
Very solidly Anglican without a hint of fresh expressions about it.  1 point scored.

4) Did the establishment tell you incessantly about how environmentally friendly it was?
Mercifully not - 1 non-recycled point awarded.

5) You've mentioned the fact that the tea room was in the car park. What about the 4x4 quota?
I'm delighted to report that any 4x4s parked therein were needed for professional reasons.  There were no boden-catalogue-clad parents with children named Olivia or Jack anywhere to be seen.  1 point.

6) On an estate in which hunting with hounds was a staple part of life, and on a property which the National Trust is telling us it's renovating - you surely heard the call of the hunting horns?
Sadly not. Almost unforgivable considering the amount of hunting equipment in the stables.  No points here.

7) Were coffee drinkers given any special treatment?
Not that I saw.  I'm not averse to coffee being sold at this sort of place.  Chaq'un a son gout and all that but it should be advertised amongst the optional extras such as ketchup and the like.  No endless list of fancy coffee here thank goodness, so 1 point scored.

8) Vegetarians?
They may have been there but thankfully, a bit like the proverbial red under the bed, not visible. 1 point.

9) Tobacco and snuff. Encouraged?
The best things in life aren't encouraged at all any more but at least it wasn't discouraged.  1 point.

10) Would a reasonable person describe the experience as trendy?
No.  Good job. 1 point scored.

Total and Summary
84.5/100
The work of a genius.  Slightly flawed genius, but genius nevertheless.  Wild horses wouldn't keep me from going there again.

Castell Powis Castle Lady Violet's Coffee House

As a cream tea loving Welshman who's obliged to live the wrong side of the ditch it's always with a spring in my step that I head for my homeland - particularly with some holidays in the offing.  And what of the opportunity to enjoy a Cream Tea at Powis Castle?

  

It makes me salivate just thinking about it.

This is a cream tea which needs to be taken seriously from the off - a serious contender; a National Trust Cream Tea no less from one of the finest National Trust property in the Principality.

Two corking scones - and the way they've been imperfectly kneaded and shaped is so enticing? Look at the one at the right - that little bit sticking out at the bottom is just begging to be ripped off and devoured.

Rating

Location 10/10

Top location in God's own Country.  Lady Violet's coffee house hides away in the bottom corner of one of the finest gardens in Wales.

Some great Alan Titchmarsh action going on over the entrance to the bog on the left.

The Scone 16/20

This is a tricky one to mark.  Beautifully fresh scones, nice quirky shape, and nice big uns to boot, and hugely enjoyable.  I'm just slightly averse to scones being sweet.  For me the dough shouldn't be sweetened at all - you get your sweetness from the jam.

The Cream 9/10

Proper clotted cream - 'nuff said.  Marvellous.

The Jam 7/10

I'm beginning to get slightly fed-up with these poncy little jars.  It's all a bit B&B in East Grinsted for my taste.  For a start - a poxy little jar this size isn't big enough for two scones the size of tennis balls - which is the case here.  Also - that gingham effect on the lid is naff.  Now I'm not agin to naff in its proper place. But I would like plenty of Jam.  Rant over.

The Tea 9/10

Marvellous.  Plenty of it it. I think the pot was heated before making. 

Service and Miscellaneous 10/10

You expect good service from the NT.  This is what we got. In a busy place at a busy time of the day the galley workers were sweating away to keep fat impatient people like myself on the move.  Flash to bang was very short.  Excellent.

Value for money 18/20

Pretty good stuff.  This all came in at under five nicker - £4.70 I think.  Which is pretty good.  Over a fiver and I start getting all mean about things.

Prejudice Corner

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?

Some people have wondered what on earth I'm doing asking this sort of question?  Well here's why it matters.  15 months ago you might have been sat at Powis Castle, enjoying this fantastic cream tea.  Then your local MP turns up to canvas.  And it's Lembit Opik.  You spew up all your cream tea and your day out is completely ruined. That's why it matters. Fortunately - the electorate of Montgomreyshire came to their senses last time out and turfed him out.  

Answer - No. 1 point scored.

2) Are there any visible signs of Non-conformity in the area?

Mercifully not - we've managed to drive non-conformity into the towns in this neck of the woods - 1 point scored.

3) Does the establishment give you a lecture about the supposed evils of GM crops while you're waiting?

No - I've no doubt this'll change in time, but for the moment no Lord Melchetts hanging around to spoil your fun. 1 point scored.

4) Did you see any hunting take place with at least 1 pack of hounds?

Unfortunately not.  A travesty.  NO points on this one.

5) Was there a particularly warm welcome to English people at this Welsh location?

Unfortunately yes.  They need to get a bit more frosty.  Try - ignoring English people for 40 - 50 seconds when they've reached the till while doing nothing in particular except walk back and forth to the kitchen.  No points here I'm afraid.

6) Were coffee drinkers pandered to?

Yes they were and I don't like it.  On the menu it said "Cream Tea.  Two scones served with ........ with a choice of tea or coffee".   "Or Coffee"???  What is this world coming to.  The clue is in the title Cream Tea.  That second word with three letters in it.  This is beyond belief.  These coffee drinkers are getting a little above their station.  You watch - they'll be taking our jobs next.

No points scored.

7) Was the term vegetarian used in an affirming way?

You always suspect that the NT is massively pro vegetarian - but no evidence of it here. So 1 point scored.

8) Were snuff users and other partakers in perfectly legal tobacco products actively persecuted?

No - I saw plenty of people puffing away around the gardens.  Excellent. 1 point scored.

9) What about the number of people visible who should have been eating at the salad bar rather than at a cream tea joint?  It was a little bit fleshy at times but I can't remember being too upset - and in any case I've been a bit harsh on this set so I'll give them a point.

10) Would a reasonable person describe the experience as being trendy?

Probably not - which is good news and one point scored - but they're dangerously close.

Total and Summary 

85/100

Any score above 75 is a cream tea worth travelling for.  Here - the shere size of the scones and the amount of tea on offer for less than a blue drinks voucher made for a memorable experience. Fantastic.  Keep up the good work.