Parish Cream Tea at St Mary's Buckland, Oxfordshire

The merry wives of Buckland, Oxfordshire will have to forgive me that their offering of Tea and Cakes isn't in receipt of that which it truly deserves; namely, a proper review of this gorgeous Cream Tea of which I availed myself this very day.

This weekend was an open garden event in the village for the benefit of the Parish Church of St Mary.  True connoisseurs of Cream Tea will understand that when the Church of England does a Cream Tea you're normatively in for a treat approaching perfection.  The above offering didn't disappoint.   People should note in particular (with regards to the above photograph) the jam - 9.5/10 I would have thought: home-made from this year's strawberry crop; and also the beautiful scone; probably 18.5/20 or thereabouts.

I am truly sorry that this offering isn't getting the normal treatment.  It's been a hectic week, next week is hectic, etc. etc.

The reason for posting this is that the open garden event at St Mary's Buckland, Oxfordshire, complete with tea and cakes at the village hall, is an annual event.  It's all in a good cause.  Make sure you get there next year.

In Praise of S H Jones Wines (Bicester) - a wine post

First off: just to declare I have absolutely no personal connection with this company.  I've never been wined and dined by them, nor have they enjoyed my hospitality.  I've spent a few bob there and occasionally tasted what's on offer, nothing more.  This post is pure fan mail.

(BTW  Look at those two cheeky scooterists - as if I'd asked them to go past so that they might add a metaphoric slant to this post about a wine merchant that's a great mover!)

S H Jones Wines is, to put it mildly, fantastic.  They have other branches, and while the above shop in Bicester isn't their main gaff, it is the one that's closest to my domestic bliss, and this missive is directed at this very shop.

So here's a list of 10 reasons as to why it's a fantastic shop.

1) The staff aren't crap.  Rather they are excellent.  It's always the same people in here.  Guy with round glasses, nice woman behind the till. They both wash their hair, they're friendly without wishing to appear as your best mate, and they know their onions without parading it: they never do the Charlie Big Spuds about wine.  They ask if you need help and will talk sense if you do, but they leave you well alone if you say you don't.  It shouldn't be difficult and, thankfully, it isn't for these two.

2) The shop front is how it should be: normal, classic, and hasn't been designed by an idiot who wants to make a mark or win a prize.  How a shop front should look like.  They always have a well chosen and attractive variety of wares on view in the window, with the odd "look, there's a few quid off this bottle to get a cheapskate like you inside" label kicking around.

3) To my mind a good wine shop strikes a balance: it needs to sit somewhere in the middle of these two extremities.  On the one hand: simply give people what they think they want.  (e.g. see Bargain Booze, or many a supermarket wine shelf: horrible, crass, and vile).   On the other hand:  Oh look, here's a Rose wine at £25, aren't we the cat's pyjamas; and if you don't fancy that, here's a completely worthless wine at £12 quid because someone came up with a jazzy name and label.  No. That's not the SH Jones way.  Rather it's good wines, fighting prices, good range; and a bit like the BBC used to be, it's going to ever-so-gently-without-rubbing-your-face-in-it educate you so that you leave the establishment a slightly better informed person than you were when you entered it.

4) The range of sherries.  Brilliant.  If, like me, you like Fino & Manzanilla, they have about a dozen varieties, without a trace of some of the well known but tiresome labels.

5) The range of Claret.  Now,  it isn't a vast range of Claret,  but it is enough.  So,  the other day they had a couple of  classed growths on sale (Haut Bailly and Batailley if I remember correctly) including magnums; they have one or two better known Cru Bourgeois (e.g. Potensac), and they then have a decent smattering of  £10-20 drinking clarets.  These include their house claret at about £9;  a very good 09 Chateau La Croix de Berny (£12 I think I paid for it, and very decent it is too), and other bits and bobs, including a 2001 claret (Malbat) at about £12 - yes, drinkable (OK so it's not Lynch Bages) 10 year old claret.

6) They have Madiran - nuff said

7) They have Faugeres.  And not just any old Faugeres -  Alquier no less.

8) Their range of white Burgundy is good to excellent.  Everything from very good standard £10 or thereabouts to lower range Meursault.

9) Their range of Gin.   i.e. it's not just Gordons, Bombay, and one other one.

10)  Can you imagine how long this list would be if it were written by someone who actually knew something about wine?

I can't recommend this place enough.  In a time when everything is going to hell in a handcart S H Jones is a sure refuge in time of trouble.

PS  One word of encouragement to this august establishment.  Homepage of your website isn't quite right.

09/12 Though I wouldn't want in any way to claim credit, it should be noted that since this post was published their website has been upgraded and looks much more like it.

Je Négrette Rien - a wine post

I was recently lucky enough to be in Belgium for a few days on work purposes (yeah right!), during which I had a five minute supermarket sweep of an unassuming corner shop for a bit of choccie, waffles, and a quick butchers over the wine selection.  Only an imbecile or a lifetime subscriber to the London Review of Books would fail to have his eyes drawn to this

What a treat! (it was 5 euros if I remember correctly).  One of the great mysteries of the Universe is why is it that one sees a bottle with Négrette in 24 point capital letters all over the front label only marginally more often than a pile of rocking-horse pooh? Why oh why oh why?

Now - first up it's only right that one points out what Négrette isn't.  It isn't Pinot Noir, it isn't Cab Sauv or one of the other great varieties.  But - if anyone, and I mean anyone, tells me that the Négrette is an also ran, I will, and I mean will, challenge them to a duel, and they won't live to Négrette it. [I promise that's the last pun in this post]

The name is the great clue, it means black.  This is wine with ageing potential (medium term rather than long term I'm told).  As its name suggests, this is wine on the rather heavy side of medium bodied, and the great treat is that it is simply heavenly on the old Roman: wild flowers - sometimes honeysuckle bizzarely enough, and very ripe berries.  And, in this day and age where so many wines are nothing more than alcoholic grape juice, it has one of THE hallmarks of a great wine: Character.  It is very much like people from Toulouse itself; confident, attractive, they don't give a fig what's going on in the rest of the world because Toulouse is the centre of the cosmos and, finally, they just go on doing their own thing.  It's also, very importantly for a skinflint, reasonably priced.

So why can't we get this juice in Blighty?  Where to start. There are all sorts of stupid reasons which revolve around ignorance which I won't bother with.  There are also more serious reasons. People, unfortunately, do like characterless alcoholic grape juice that can be opened and drunk straightaway whereas 100% Négrette  really has to be opened in advance;  the above bottle was tighter than a Tory Budget for more than two hours after opening.    There's also a question of price; 5 euros on the continent always inexplicably and mysteriously turn into £9.99 in the UK, and however marvelous Négrette might be, an orange drinks voucher would be a bit borderline for this tipple.  But with the Euro rapidly collapsing surely here's an opening for a wine merchant with a bit of gumption.  Get in that white van, get down there, and tweet me when you get back.  It's not difficult.

Let's hope it happens.  It happened, praise the Lord, with Picpoul de Pinet (couldn't get if for love nor money in Blighty 15 years ago), let's get going with the Négrette, preferably before the next celebration of a British Monarch's Diamond Jubilee.

Cream Tea at The Vyne NT, Hampshire

If Northamptonshire is the Rose of the Shires then there's little doubt that Hampshire is the Clematis. Name anything quintessentially English and you'll find that Hampshire is somewhere in the mix:

• British Military prowess necessary for the defeating of johnny foreigners in the form of major Naval and Army bases (but please don't mention the other lot on this blog)
• Literature - Austen and Dickens
• Comedy - Benny Hill and Peter Sellers (though please don't mention Keith Harris and Orville)
• Windbag Politicians - Jim Callaghan
• Cricket - the county of C B Fry and John Arlott, not to mention Robin Smith and Dominic Cork

To this list should be added its contribution to the world of Cream Tea, for this was a 10-wickets-in-a-match-winning effort here at The Vyne.

Location 10/10

Photo says it all really - and you're not supposed to complain about the indolence of the head mower because leaving the grass to grow is intended to protect that habitat of Vegetarians - not exactly an endangered species, though it would be if I had my way.

The Scones 18.5/20

This is a serious proposition - good old fashioned Hampshire hospitality - and aren't those scones intriguing, the way the furthest one away leans to the right, the one nearest us to the left?  Brilliant.  And then - what on earth is that sticking out of the nearest scone?  Let's have a closer look shall we?

Yes!  It's a raisin! Extraordinary! But look, there's one popping out of the other side, and the pastry chef has managed to evoke a coastal landslip in the foreground.  Beyond belief.  You could spend nine thousand years as an apprentice in Heston Blumenthal's kitchen and not be taught this.  Special.

Jam 7/10
Red, Strawberry, but when you've got two of the best scones this side of Ursa Major to enjoy it's not going to go far enough is it?  Bit of effort required here to up the score.

The Cream 8/10

This is an improvement on the self contained pre-packed jobbies, but for someone who likes to feel his arteries tightening when tucking in, this isn't going to justice to a brace of Basingstoke beauties is it?

The Tea 10/10
Did you see the size of the pot in an earlier photo?

Service and Miscellaneous 9/10
Very little to grumble about here.

Value for money 18/20
Came in at forty pence more than a lone survivour. Always a tricky scenario for a tightfisted imbecile like myself to judge but two great scones and enough tea for a Buckingham Palace Garden Party.

Prejudice Corner 5/10

1) Is the local MP a Liberal Democrat?
No he isn't, a pleasant relief. 1 point.

2) Was there a bust of Cromwell on view?  I do hope not.
I'm afraid there was, and there's never any excuse for this.  No points here.

3) You mentioned the grievous sin of vegetarianism earlier.  Are they made to feel particularly welcome in the Tea Rooms?
Certainly not.  There were sausages and flesh aplenty on the hot plate.  1 point.

4) Were there any 'with-it' sentiments in evidence in this establishment concerning the supposed evils of GM foods?
I didn't see any petition signing going on against that specific and most welcome development but I did see this....

Ethical Firewood??  And it's four nicker a bag.  You can't get away with nonsense like this.  No points here I'm afraid.

5)  Was there any inadvertent innuendo on offer?
Yes there was - have a look at this

Positively filthy!  Wonderful.  One point scored.

6) You must have been there near the Jubilee Celebration weekend. Was the occasion marked in some way?
Yes it was, but not in the way a loyal citizen would wish.

This......

.... I presume is meant to be our Sovereign Lady, and it doesn't amuse us.

And by the same token I presume this.....

...is meant to be a representation of the Duke of Edinburgh.  Now I don't wish to appear humourless but we can't ever condone this sort of treasonous handy-work so no points awarded on this one.

7)  If you were on trial for murder could you have entered a plea of mitigating circumstances on the grounds that you'd been upset by the contents of the National Trust Shop in the Vyne and felt you had to murder someone?
You could.  Why are National Trust shops so awful?  And why do they stink of cheap potpourri?  No points here.

8)  Do they cultivate fowl for the table?
They do.  They rear chickens in the walled garden and on the water feature in front of the house....

...they're actively rearing swans.  I love roast swan.  1 point scored

9) Your last review referred to the lamentable state of affairs that has come to pass in that the National Trust now seems to be encouraging marriage between our young people.  Please tell me this wasn't the case here.

I'm afraid this picture says it all....

No points for leading astray the younger generation.

10)  Could you take your Great Aunt Myrtle along safe in the knowledge that she would both be amused and not offended?
As long as you telephoned in advance so that the bust of Cromwell could be covered or hidden indeed you could.  1 point.

Total and Summary 85.5/100

That's a seriously good score.  Somewhat disadvantaged by a rather poor showing in Prejudice Corner which, it should be pointed out, has very little to do with the quality of the cream tea. A seriously corking visit. Top Cream Tea.  Great House.  Brilliant.

"And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, 
but the goats on the left."

The Gospel according to Saint Matthew 25:33